Nothing~ma to Bev.

Beauteous Pirate Jilli!
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Thanks for your support, everyone. So, about my unsettling afternoon.

Everything was peachy until ND and I were on the way to my dad's place for dinner. We were sitting at a traffic light at a dead stop. I glanced down for a second as I began to accelerate and bumped right into the car in front of me. It was an SUV with a hitch on the back, and I couldn't have been going more than 5 mph for about 4 feet, but I felt like I hit a wall. When we pulled over, the woman in the car was--understandably--freaked out. She had an infant son in the back seat.

At this point I was beside myself with grief and anger at my dumbass self, and though she, her son, and her car all seemed completely fine, I was barely holding myself together. The only damage I could even notice on her car was a teensy scuff on the hitch itself--totally not worth reporting. Of course I gave her my name, address, phone, and insurance info. Once she calmed down, she was incredibly nice about it (especially since her son was totally fine), but I didn't have the presence of mind to get any of her info, nor did I think to BEG her to contact me rather than the insurance if she does decide she wants something fixed. I wish I had thought to since if she just wanted cosmetic damage repaired, I would be much better off paying her directly. No way to contact her now, though, so I'll have to wait and see if my insurance company calls to tell me she's filed a claim.

Obviously if there were any medical issues rather than cosmetic car damage she would have to report, but I am completely and utterly fucked if she does. You probably remember my two fender-benders from LA that doubled my insurance rates. I am barely able to afford my insurance because of them, and I have a year-and-a-half until the first of those two goes off my record. Another accident may just price me out of being able to drive at all. Which isn't an option, seeing as I commute 60 miles roundtrip.

Of course I am trying not to even *think* about the fact that I could have actually injured her or her child. I feel physically sick when I contemplate that. And maybe it's cynical, but having been through one fender bender where two people without injuries sued my insurance for over seven grand worth of medical (thereby jacking my rates), I'm scared as hell about that, too.

The other complication, of course, is that I was driving a rental car. It now has a nice hitch-sized dent/scratch in the front, and I know from previous experience that even that minor damage will mean a full front bumper replacement. I used a credit card and so can file a claim to get some of that paid for, but it's not going to be fun going through that process.

So. In the very best scenario, no one is hurt, the lady decides her hitch scuff isn't important, and they're fine. I am stuck only with the hassle of dealing with the rental car company and paying for the difference between the repairs and the credit card companies supplement.

In a worse scenario, the lady files a claim and my raise next year ends up barely paying for increased insurance rates--or--I get kicked off my insurance entirely and have to find a higher-risk company.

I won't think about scenarios worse than that. I just can't right now.

I know that accidents happen and that this one was not all that bad in the grand scheme of things. I know that I am generally a decent driver. But I just feel wretched and scared and horrid, and I don't ever want to get back in a car. I feel like three accidents in two years are pretty good evidence that I should never have been given a license (I know that this isn't logical, but what I'm feeling is anything but logical), and I can't stop beating myself up. It's not a fun place to be. As soon as she drove away, I completely lost my shit. Sobbed for a good ten minutes and couldn't bring myself to even turn the car back on for longer than that. I'm honestly wondering if I might be suffering a bit of trauma here, because I'm doing a decent job of pretending I'm fine to my family, but I'm really numb and feel like a complete screw-up and kind of hate myself a little right now.

Crap. My freakout killed the thread. Not feeling very good at the whole common sense thing right now. Is it TMI? I'll delete it if it's too much.

Not too much, bebe! Just many {{{{}}}} to you.

{{Kristin}} I'm so sorry it has been such a bad day. I was off the computer for a bit getting tucked into bed.

It was an accident. Not a bad accident. You didn't get hurt. Drew isn't hurt. The lady and baby are fine. See if you can get the rental car fixed without anything being reported. It is likely that the lady won't report it, but this isn't under your control so try and let it go for now. You need to take care of yourself and give yourself a break here. You've had a good cry, and I surely would have too. Now do whatever it is that relaxes you the most. Candles, wine, music. Get some rest sweety.

Thanks, I won't delete.

Oh, honey. What a horrible thing to have happen. And I understand the freakout -- it's completely an emotional reaction, and you really can't contorl those, at least not in the moment. I've got no good advice except to breathe and wait, which is really all you can do.

Except, no -- sometimes I do the catastrophic thinking thing. Every worst-case scenario possible. Because then I can feel out what it would be like if X happens, and I immediately start planning for it.

Almost a hundred percent of the time, the actual outcome never comes near what I imagine.

{{{Kristin}}}

{{Kristin}} Let's just say I know your place. I still haven't recovered from the string of accident DH and I had. It is still very hard for me to drive out of my comfort zone.

{{{Kristin}}} What everyone else said. It was an accident, and everyone is OK.

Hil, have you seen this vegan cupcake cookbook?

Yep. Most of the vegan cupcake recipes I've been trying have been from the other cookbook by that same author. I've been wanting to get that one, but not sure if I really want to spend money on a cookbook that's entirely cupcakes.

It took a bottom to realize you weren't talking to me.

Am I the only one who saw this? Or is this some Brit expression that you're all sophisticated enough to know but I'm not? Because I have about a hundred dumb jokes to make, but... well.

In other news, I mailed boxes, bought pants, and got cat supplies for the move. I'm sleepy now. Do I go to the local thing, or not? Decisions... oh, right. Waiting for the book to be released would mean walking home AFTER midnight, by myself. Not!

Thanks, everyone.

{{Kristin}} Let's just say I know your place. I still haven't recovered from the string of accident DH and I had. It is still very hard for me to drive out of my comfort zone.

Beth, I'm starting to feel that way. I'm trying not to let this become a Thing, especially since I have to be comfortable driving all around LA, but right now I'm just really shaken up and not wanting to drive at all.

I know I'm overreacting. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Just...really frazzled right now.

I'm going to take advantage of Mom's hot tub tonight and try not to obsess about this anymore. It's just hard not to worry about what will happen if she does file a claim.