"Hello, customer service?"

"Yes? How can I help you?"

"I need to reorder all my credit cards?"

"Oh, have you been the victim of fraud?"

"No, my eelskin wallet has suddenly degaussed them. All."

"..."

"Also, do you know who I should recall to report the sudden vast overpopulation due to the current population of the world being greater than all the people who have ever lived? 'Cause that's kinda a hassle. And we're getting short on natural resources. Somebody should do something, you know."

"..."

Capt. Charpe and Sgt. Chopper walked purposefully up a long, winding road through the forest in Greenwood.

"My feet are killin' me, sir, and it's no lie. Why's the bloody castle have to be all the way out here."

"You've grown soft, Pit, now yer an orc of luxury in the big city. Would you like us to get you one of those bi-cycle things like DX rides if your feet hurt so much after just a little bit of a walk through the woods. And would you prefer Gudanov do his bleedin' experiments in the middle of Weiler Square? I'm just as happy he is way out here."

"Aye, sir, you make a good point. Still, it is a long way to walk. It was so much easier when we were barracked out here in Greenwood, before they moved the Yard to Blackwood Parish. Why can't we get the city to buy us a vehicle or two for Watch business? Every other big city and small town has 'em. I've seen 'em on the television at Milo's, always chasin' around with them fancy lights on. And sirens, sir. They have sirens."

"Pit, you don't know how to drive."

"I can learn, sir. Or one of the human watchmen can drive."

"Pity you fed the last human watchman we had to a giant alligator."

"You didn't like him much, either, sir."

"That's beside the point, sergeant. It's hard to attract new recruits to the Watch if you and the lads keep puttin' 'em in hospital once they're in. You can't be as rough with the other races as you would orcs. They're not equipped for it."

"Aye, sir. Their bones do break easy. I'll tell the boys to go a bit gentler with 'em."

"Good, and I'll talk to the Watch Oversight Board about a vehicle. Ah, there's the castle."

(OMG, how much do I love the Charpe and Chopper show?)

I'll just state right now that I'm no damned good at this stuff, but I'm an avid audience. That applause you hear? Is me.

I roll over in bed for my morning snuggle--then yank back fast. What is that unholy stench? Holy stench? I am a vampire, so holy would probably be the proper--anyway. Instead of snuggly, girl-smelling woman lying next to me, there's a snuggly what-on-earth-is-that?-smelling woman.

I sniff carefully.

Oh, crap. But that's just a myth. Like everything else that's suddenly been cropping up in town.

Garlic. From the lasagna last night. And instead of being yummy, it's making me want to crawl out of my skin.

If garlic is suddenly working as Vamp-B-Gon . . .

My cellphone is in my pants on the far side of the room. I take the phone out to the living room, suddenly having to take a large detour around the medieval crucifix that hangs on the wall. It's hanging as an exquisite art piece, not a statement of religion, but seeing it out of the corner of my eye makes me cringe.

I dial 2 on the speed dial. "Larry!"

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Mr. Cohen? It's Bob. Where's Larry?" Mr. Cohen owns the Kosher deli where Larry works the night shift.

"Oh, Bob! Poor Larry is in the walk-in freezer! The sun came up, and even though we don't have an eastward facing window, he became very upset, then very lethargic. I don't know what's wrong with him, but I thought a room with no windows would be best."

That's just wrong. It's not traditional that sunrise knocks us out. In the book, Dracula himself can move around in the day. But does Larry think he needs to be asleep?

I hang up on Mr. Cohen. At least Larry's safe. But how many of my buddies have found out the hard way that the legendary banes of vampiredom now work?

Huh.

I go out to the middle of the living room, close my eyes, and concentrate. There's a weird pop and then--I've got bat wings!

"Sweet!" I squeak.

But flapping is hard on the arms. I panic a little, then I concentrate just right and have two legs again. So what else . . .

Pop!

I try to cheer, but clouds of fog that can pass through keyholes don't have vocal cords. This is so cool!

Until that draft from the window catches me.

One more screw and there, the access panel is off. It looks pretty bad. "Ah hell, Hans the plasma phase converter is melted do we have a spare?"

"Nope, the inventory doesn't show any."

I dig around some more and see how the neutronic inverter has fared. It looks like it just might be salvageable, "Hey Hans, hand me that sonic screwdriver".

"Just a sec, it looks like we got orcs heading up the castle."

I don't have time for an orc horde. "Just deploy the AT-5400 assault robot. Unless that orc horde has nukes, they won't be able to scratch it."

"Um, it's just two orcs" says Hans

I disengage myself from the machinery. "You don't suppose they have a plasma phase converter on them."

"I seriously doubt it sir"

"Yeah, I really don't have time to deal with them. Oh hey, this would be the perfect time to try out my T800 series robot." I flip a switch and a large panel sides open to reveal a new robot.

Hans does a double take and steps away from it. "It's the terminator robot."

"Cool huh. I think it could be really popular once I work out the trademark issues."

Hans looks it over dubiously. "The computer says the orcs are from the watch. They may not be hostile."

"No, no, no. This 800 series is programmed as a butler, totally harmless I think. The software is still alpha, but what is the worse that could happen?" I tell him.

I address the robot. "There are two orcs approaching the castle, get them some refreshments and give them a tour or something."

"Sir, the castle is an infinite dimensional nexus ever since that experiment with the..." says Hans.

"Okay good point, just show them the Escher wing that's always impressive. Hmmmm... they might be able to help me get a phase converter." I bring up Google Inter Dimensional Maps and search for a plasma phase converter. "Here we go, there's one in dimension MEISBN0261102656 only they think it is a crystal ball that lets you see remotely. And hey, they have orcs in that dimension, perfect"

Hans looks skeptical. "That seems like an incredible coincidence."

"Yeah, I really need to unplug the improbability generator." Again I address the robot. "After the tour give them a lot of beer and then see if they'll go get the plasma phase converter for me. You'll need to lead them through dimensional gate M54139845, that one in the wardrobe."

"Very good sir", replies the robot in a bad British accent, it is alpha software after all.

Charpe glanced up at the imposing facade of Castle Gudanov, looked over at Chopper, and said, "Think he could've built something bigger, Pit?"

"'Tis a fine old fortress, that's sure, sir. Would've made for a long siege in the old days. Want me to go back and get a squad and a battering ram?"

"No, I think we'll just try knocking first."

They stood there in front of the enormous pair of oaken doors.

"Any time you're ready, sergeant."

"Sir?"

Charpe pointed at the one of the enormous metal rings hanging from each door. "Use the knocker, sergeant."

"Oh. Right, sir."

BAM! BAM! BAM!

"Now that's a knock."

"Now I finally see what DX is always talking about, sir."

"What's that?"

"He was talking about the castle this one time in the bar, and he ended the story by saying, 'What knockers!' and grinnin'. He's used that line a lot. Now I see what he means."

The doors opened inward with a great creaking sound, and a tall, stiff figure dressed as a butler stepped into the doorway from the gloom within. "Good afternoon, gentleorcs. How may I help you.?"

"I'm Captain Charpe of the city Watch, and this is Sergeant Chopper. We're here to see Gudanov," said Charpe. "We'd like to ask him a few questions about some recent events in town."

"I am delighted to meet you. Won't you please come in, sirs?"

As the butler ushered the two Watchmen into the enormous foyer, Charpe asked "What's your name then?"

"My name is Reeves, sir. I'm Mr. Gudanov's new butler."

"Wasn't the last butler electrocuted?" asked Chopper.

"Disintegrated, sir. It was a most unfortunate circumstance."

"I suspect it was," said Charpe. "So, may we see Gudanov now?"

"I'm afraid Mr. Gudanov is not in at present, sir. However if you would care to wait for him to return, I'm sure he would like me to provide you with some refreshment in the meantime."

Reeves led them into a small side room which was opulently furnished with some comfortable chairs and a wet bar, and offered them drinks. There was a largish, ornately carved wardrobe in one corner of the room.

Charpe took a sip of his whiskey, then asked, "So where is Gudanov then, Reeves?"

"Mr. Gudanov is in the metropolis presenting the prizes at the Tangley Mews Nuclear Fusion Scouts awards luncheon, sir."

"And when is he expected back?"

"I shouldn't expect it to be too long, sir. These affairs always seem to have a way of getting rather raucous, and Mr. Gudanov is usually required to make his farewells rather hurriedly. Twenty minutes, perhaps?"

"We'll wait then," said Charpe

"While you are waiting, sir, perhaps you will allow me to ask a small favor of you and the sergeant." Reeves lowered his voice conspiratorially. "There is an item in the back of the wardrobe that I am having difficulty removing for cleaning. I was hoping perhaps that I could enlist your aid in this matter."

"What exactly is the difficulty?"

"It appears to be surrounded by orcs, sir."

"You have orcs in the wardrobe?" asked Chopper.

"It's a rather special wardrobe, sergeant. Interdimensional, one might say."

"So, you're basically afraid of having your head lopped off when you try to steal their trinket." said Charpe.

"Sir does seem to have a keen grasp on the nub of the situation," replied Reeves.

"Is this the one?" Charpe got up, and went to the wardrobe in the corner. Chopper stood next to him, his hand on the hilt of his sword. Charpe carefully opened one of the doors a crack and peered in. Seeing nothing obviously amiss, he opened the doors full.

The wardrobe itself was empty, except for a small black statuette of a bird, perhaps a falcon. The back of the wardrobe, however, seemed to open up into another room. It was hard to discern at first, because there appeared to be something interfering with the view. It was almost like a veil, but more insubstantial. Interdimensional, Reeves had said. The interference is probably the boundary with another dimension, thought Charpe. Looking more closely, he was able to make out a pedestal in the center of the room beyond. A crystal sphere sat atop the pedestal, which was in turn surrounded by a about a dozen well-armed orcs. Most of the orcs were simple standing about, but a few seemed to be watching something in the sphere. The orc directly in front of them turned around towards the portal, almost as is he expected to see someone behind him, sniffed a bit, and then turned back towards the pedestal, scratching his head.

"They can't see us," whispered Chopper.

"No. That means we won't be able to see the way out, either," said Charpe. He turned to Reeves. "Let me guess. The trinket is yonder crystal ball."

"Just as you say, sir."

"Alright, Reeves, the sergeant and I will get your trinket for you. Pit, do you have a bit of rope handy?"

"It happens I do, sir. Very handy when one is trolling for alligators."

"This won't be that different." Charpe tied the proffered rope around his waist, noting that one end had begun to unravel where it had apparently been bitten through, and handed the other end to Chopper. "Just try to do a better job of pulling me back than the last time, Sergeant."

"Sir, I should be the one to go. I'm bigger than you, for one thing," Chopper protested.

"Too big, Pit. All this city living has made you too fat for me to pull you back if you get in trouble." Charpe winked at his sergeant. "Besides, smaller is more inconspicuous."

"Says the orc wearing enough shiny brass on a bright green uniform to sink a ferry. Sir."

"Just hold on tight to the rope."

Charpe stepped into the wardrobe and took stock of what was going on in the room. The orcs' attention appeared to be focused everywhere but on the portal. "Alright, good, nice and casual," he muttered to himself. "Just walk in nice and quietly, get the ball, and follow the rope back out." He stepped into the room...

Shagrod wasn't much of a thinker. Most orcs in service to the Dark Lord weren't. Thinking was a good way to get used for experiments. When the Dark Lord said jump, you didn't think. You didn't even ask how high. You just jumped. For the moment his orders were to guard the shiny ball on the stand. As tasks went, this was pretty cushy duty for an orc. There were even some perks, something generally unheard of in the Dark Lord's service, even here at the fortress. The shiny ball occasionally showed pictures. "Entertainment," someone called it. Lately it had been showing a battle near the Dark gate. Shagrod would've liked to have been there. Killin' was the most fun an orc could have.

The battle, at least, was far more entertaining than the insane old man who'd been in the ball crying and pleading and begging up until just recently. Shagrod liked making humans beg for mercy as much as the next orc, but it had gotten repetitious. That's no doubt why the show had been cancelled...

Wait, what was that? The view shifted to what looked like an outcropping over a volcano or lava pit. There seemed to be some sort of wrestling match going on, except Shagrod could only make out one of the fighters. Oh, there's the other. What sort of creatures are those, Shagrod wondered. One seemed to have won the fight, and was dancing about giddily. Then the creature tripped...

As noted, Shagrod wasn't used to thinking about things. Thus he had no idea what to think when at that moment an orc in the most outlandish costume he'd ever seen appeared from out of nowhere directly in front of him. At the same moment, the room started to shake about, as though there was an earthquake happening. The strange figure stepped forwards, toward the shiny ball, and Shagrod noticed he had a rope tied round his waist. Or else a really long belt. The other orcs had turned away from the ball, because bits of mortar had started falling out of the cracks in the masonary around them. The entire tower was shaking, and there was a noise like a thousand horses galloping by. Many of the orcs started looking at the ceiling, as though wondering if it would collapse.

The strange figure lifted the ball from its receptacle and turned back towards Shagrod, noticing him for the first time. He stood for a second, surprised, then did something Shagrod never expected. He saluted. Then he grabbed onto the rope, gave it a tug, and ran towards Shagrod. Shagrod lifted his spear in defense, but the figure just vanished as abruptly as he'd appeared. Shagrod didn't know what to think about that.

And before Shagrod had time to think about anything else, the ceiling collapsed.

"Bloody hell!" Charpe shouted as he dove back through the portal.

Chopper helped Charpe back up, then out through the wardrobe door, and said, "Well there's somethin' I'd've never thought of."

A very dusty Charpe looked up and asked, "What's that?"

"Pullin' the entire building down after yourself to cover your escape, sir. That was bloody brilliant."

"Had nothin' to do with me, Pit. I stepped in, nice and quiet, with them all peerin' at something in the glass. I was wonderin' how to get it with them all watchin' it so intently. Then the whole place started comin' apart, so a grabbed it and followed the rope."

"Shall I take that for you, sir?" said Reeves.

"No, you shall not. I think I'll be holdin' onto it for a little while longer, seein' as how Gudanov wants it so. He can have it, but only after he agrees to a couple of things."

"What 'things,' sir?"

"First, if he needs to run any of his 'experiments' outside of the castle, he's to restrict them to the old Watch barracks and trainin' facility here in Greenwood. He can experiment all he wants to over there. Sergeant, what's that concept that DX told us about doing experiments?"

"Beta testin'?"

"That's it. 'Beta testin'.' Gudanov can do all the beta testin' he wants over at the trainin' camp. It should be plenty big enough to serve his needs. Second, if any of those experiments seem worth doin' for the city as a whole, he is to file environmental impact statements with both the city government and the Watch before unleashin' them on an unsuspectin' public. Are we clear, Mr. Reeves?"

"Yes, sir. WOuld you care to wait to deliver the message to Mr. Gudanov yourself, or I shall relay it for you?"

"You take care of it, Reeves. I don't think the sergeant and I need to waste anymore of your time."

    .   .   .

After Charpe and Chopper got back to the Yard, and had secured the sphere, Chopper asked Charpe,"So, do you thing he'll agree to the restrictions?"

"I think he will. He's not evil, just, I dunno, preoccupied or something. And we've got his trinket."

"So why the devil did you offer him our trainin' facility? We may not be headquartered there anymore, but we still need it for trainin' recruits."

"Oh, we'll still train recruits there. There was another concept DX once told me about. Did he ever tell you about something called a 'danger room'?"