I had to figure out the weather, that meant I needed to find some info. Luckily, I knew that information lived on a barstool at a bar called Milo's Place.
I walked into Milo's Place and looked around. It was the same story as every other bar anyone's ever been in, filled with broken dreams and penguins. I wasn't here to take in the ambiance, I was here for information. Information's name is Eddie, or Eddie the Platypus from his days in the Australian mofia, but these days he could be found at the end of a bar trying to wash away the shattered debris of his life under a tsunami of Fosters.
I grabbed a stool and slid it next to Eddie like a wolf dragging its kill back to its den. Eddie took a sideway glace at me and grunted like a monkey, nah more like a warthog. He knew what I wanted.
I noticed that Eddie was nursing a wine cooler instead of his usual Fosters, empty bottles surrounded him like shards of glass around a broken mirror.
"What's with the cooler Eddie? I expected to find you trying to wash away the shattered debris of your life under a tsunami of Fosters(tm)." I asked.
Eddie didn't bother to look up. "Beer's illegal now id'nit mate?"
It was news to me, but I knew better than to act surprised. In my line of work acting surprised is like showing your hand at a poker game playing for kittens. I decided to get right to the point. "I need information."
Eddie took a long swig of his cooler and set it down hard. "Big surprise"
"It's about the weather." I said, getting right to point again.
Eddie looked at me for a minute, then turned back to his cooler. "You don't want to get into that."
"Yeah, and I didn't want to be a private eye working out of a shithole office where I drink two dollar tequila, but I got a job to do."
Eddie stared at the bar in front of him for a minute, then he shook his head before speaking. "Your skin mate. Mayor's the one behind it and he's got the police in his pocket."
I look over at Phred, who's wiping out beer mugs behind the bar, and say "Ya know, it's been pretty boring round these parts lately."
"Yep."
"Not that that's a bad thing."
"Yep."
Motes of dust filter through the air. The sun shines.
An unearthly howl is heard in the distance. Upstairs the maid screams. A door slams.
Suddenly a shot rings out!
(This twist in the plot will baffle the readers...)
Meanwhile, on a ranch in Montana, a boy was growing up.
And somewhere on an island in the South Pacific, dark drums began to beat. . .
Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon!
Filled with scantily clad maidens, and even more scantily clad lads, accompanied by mermaids and dancing dolphins.
