From Sang Sacre Harold Classified Section

Petty vengence can be so limiting, some days. I want so much to smite the Ministry of Happiness, smite, smite, smite. Sang Sacre is the only place in this country I can find decent beer. But I can't do all that much. It's like the difference between hard-core porn, and a bit of bodice-ripping smut. Smite, smut. Smut, that's IT!

I flick my wrist, and several thousand cheesy romance novels replace the data files of Ministry of Happiness computers, filling their hard drives like the rampant shafts of the Fabio lookalikes fill the heated womanly cores of the previously unfulfilled girls in the books.

With no city manager, I have to get my status report from Mary from the ministry of happiness. The status report has been written out on a paper with some sort of pink floral pattern.

Dear Aeshma,

Things are going great at the ministry of happiness! We have had some computer problems...

I look over at the dull grey box in my office that I have been told is a "computer" wondering how one has problems with something that just sits there.

...but the new files are really cool! Things in the city are fantastic, you are the best mayor ever, deserving of great respect!!

I nod silently, yes I do deserve great respect. I start to think this Mary may be qualified to be the new city manager.

As per your new regulations, all beer in the city has been confiscated! There is one bar still advertising that they have beer but ministry officials haven't been able to find anything but water on the premises so maybe that don't really have any! We will employ a spy to make sure!

Mary

Well, everything seems to be going smoothly. I still need to have somebody make the arrangements for Evilcon with that stupid Voldemort guy.

Upon mature consideration I decide that the vengence taken on the Ministry of Happiness may not have been as vengence-y as I had planned.

With a blink and a wink, I transform all the stupid romance novels in the Ministry of Happiness's data banks into bad-fic, complete with hideous grammar, pathetic spelling, mary-sues behind every bush, and massive punctuation problems.

That ought to well and truly FUBAR their brains.

Hmm, my mobile phone is ringing. Only the home office has this number.

I'm screwed. Turns out the home office doesn't consider badfic a petty vengence.

They will get back to me on the terms of the official reprimand.

Screwed like a virgin in a biker bar.

My intercom buzzes. "Mr. Wolfram?"

"Marvin, which part of no interruptions is throwing you off?"

"Sir, I'm sorry but she refuses to leave a message."

"You told her I'm in court?"

"Actually sir, she's here and staring in that crystal ball she carts around and says you're definitely not in court, and something about this being more important than your flying doll set?"

Shit, most of my clients can barely hex a pot of water, but I do have a few higher-level folks. I make a mental note to have that magical security firm renew my privacy wards, and quickly mutter a temporary shielding spell and deactivate my Quidditch set. The action figures (not dolls, really) shoot me a sulking glance and whisk over to their waiting shelf which tucks handily out of sight.

"Offer her some water, or blood, and tell her I'll be right with her."

Sigh. I hate drop-ins. And a personal visit from the Madame is never a good sign. I don my robes and buzz my reception troll.

"Show her in."

I motion to Marvin to seat the Madame on the sofa, but she shoos him off. Generally, trolls aren't known for their swift-footedness but Marvin wastes no time in scarcing himself.

The Madame, with surprising grace, squeezes her generous heft into one of my leather client chairs. Miraculously, it holds.

"To what do I owe this unexpected, uh, pleasure?"

"It is time. Your services are needed."

It doesn't occur to me to refuse her. Mostly because it can't be done. I nod and wait for the kicker.

"This time Aeshma has gone too far."

"You mean the laugh track? Sure it's ruined Arrested Development, and last night's showing of Schindler's List was a bit surreal..."

"Not the laugh track."

"You mean the beer ban? What's the big deal? I mean I have lost a few of my regular Flying While Intoxicated clients, and jousting tournaments ain't what they used to be, but it's just beer."

"JUST BEER? Ignorant child, beer is the lifeblood of Sang Sacre." (And here I thought it was actual blood.) "It is the sacred fluid upon which the firmament of the city rests. Without beer our residents have been afflicted with that most horrid of diseases!"

"Sobriety?"

Her aged eyes stare deeply into mine. "Reality."

Then I finally get it. Oh shit.

"What do you need me to do?"

last night's showing of Schindler's List was a bit surreal..."

disbelieving snerk

In hindsight, it wasn't all that difficult. The true evil of any bureaucracy, aside from the requisite torture chambers and tasteless coffee, is its stubborn adherence to the Rules. A simple Sanglaw search provides access to the Annotated Code of Ministry of Happiness Regulations. Doesn't take long to find what I need, and I immediately begin drafting.

Several hours later I roll up the scroll, utter a standard triplication spell, and buzz Marvin.

"Take these to the Ministry of Happiness, and ask for the Civil Disobedience Division. Wait for the clerk to buzz security, then grab the first guard that appears and proceed due North, ignoring doors, windows and concrete walls, until you reach a room guarded by a sphinx. Whatever the riddle of the day is, speak the words "no soap radio" and the sphinx should step aside, at which point the door will open and a huge flame will engulf you. Feed the guard to the dragon on duty and proceed to the desk, where you will hand the clerk the three scrolls. After he sprinkles them with filing powder knock the clerk out, snatch one scroll back - any one will do - and return here post haste. Are those instructions clear?"

Marvin grins. "Can I grab two guards for the dragon? They work so hard, and so rarely get a snack."

"That's very thoughtful, Marvin. Just hurry back. I have to burn the third scroll and bury its ashes in a Pot of Procedurus before sundown, or the Request for Injunction could get bounced on a technicality before getting a hearing."

"I understand perfectly, sir."

I watch him lumber out and marvel at how fortunate I am to have a troll on the payroll.

"Well, another Halloween over and no trick or treaters" I say to Hans while looking over the full bowl of goodies. "What are we going to do with all these little perpetual motion machines that I was going to give out?"

Hans shrugs. "Should I put them in the cabinet with the ray guns from last year?"

"Yeah, I guess. You did leave the exterior lights on last night?"

"Yep. But I don't think it's the lights so much as the forrest around the castle. It has a bad reputation."

"Fair point. I probably should stop releasing the genetic experiments in there. But once I introduced the giant armored deer to eat the man eating trees, I had to put in the enhanced Utahraptors to keep the deer population under control. Ecosystems are hard."