I look over the checklist for this year's Castle Gudanov lighting display. I still don't know how I didn't win first prize in last year's Winter Light Show. Castle Gudanov's lights consumed a couple of orders of magnitude more power than the winning display. Oh well, this year will be different.

Okay, item one. Multicolor LED (for fire safety) lights on all the trees in the surrounding forest. Check.

Item two. Xenon lights for the Castle itself. Check.

Item three. Water cooling system for Xenon light display. Check.

Item four. FAA clearance to allow activation of light display. Check.

Item five. Welder's goggles for looking at display directly. Check.

Item six. Fusion power plant online to power display. Check.

Item seven. Blimps for skywide holographic projection of the entire Chipmunk's Christmas Special from 1984 resampled into 3-D. Check.

Item eight. Lighting display command center prepared. Check.

All right. First prize is in the bag this year.

I find Achmed cursing at the computer he uses to monitor the household budget and maintenance. "What's wrong?"

"A 3 percent spike in electrical useage over last year."

"Oh, um, well, the plasma TV really does work nicely for computer games, but I didn't think it was that much a power hog."

"I factored that in. It's citywide."

"Christmas light season, then."

"Sitt, everyone in the city is having the same jump in their bills, even the ones who don't have bills."

I find my chair. "You mean--"

He nods grimly. "Gudanov's back. And he's hacked the system to spread out his power load."

"My god, what's he building this time? They're going to see it from space."

"I would'nt be surprised."

My pitiful minion has finally prepared a report on this 'Christmas' event that is apparently so important for retailers.

"Okay boss, here's what I've learned. It seems that Christmas is a holliday that centers around a single person." My minion sets a figurine down on my desk of a fat bearded man in a red suit with a wobbly head. "This is Santa Claus. According to the Christmas legend, he travels around the world in a single night and distributes presents to all children."

I cotemplate the figurine. "His appearance is deceptive. He must be a powerful mage to wield a time stop spell like that. Perhaps he can only cast it once a year."

"Anyhow. The celebrate this event, there is singing, baking of sweets, office parties, general merriment, the decorating of trees with shiny things, and the exchange of gifts. The decoration buying and gift buying makes this holliday very important to retailers. Oh there is another person who was born on Christmas, but he appears to be a minor player."

I lean back in my wonderfully soft leather chair and think about the situation. "It's obvious what needs to be done."

"Set up a Christmas section and jack up the prices on gift items so we can discount them as the buying season heats up?"

"No, my sortsighted lackey. We have to slay this Santa Claus and put an end to Christmas. Where can I find this Santa Claus?"

My witless minion thinks for a minute. "Well, it is said that he lives in a frozen wasteland call the north pole with his elves."

"Then I must begin making preparations. This elven army with undoubtable be well equipped with archers so we'll need to equip my orcs with large shields so they may advance on this ice fortress..."

My worthless minion pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. "Wait sir. I discovered that Santa Claus will be making an appearance at a local mall next week." He shows the me the flyer.

"Then that is where this Santa Claus will die."

"Then that is where this Santa Claus will die."

  Nooo! We have to save Chrstmas!

...waitaminute, I'm Jewish. Okay, then, never mind. As you were.

This elven army with undoubtable be well equipped with archers so we'll need to equip my orcs with large shields so they may advance on this ice fortress...

Damn, I was looking forward to the battle of Claus Deep. Claws Deep.

Oh, dear. Best go now before this gets any odder.

Too late...

(Has image of Santa slamming his sack of toys to the ground, shouting "You shall not pass!" Ultimately, he falls, to be replaced by Santa the White...)

(Either that, or having Lee Majors show up on a snowmobile to save the day.)

"Are you going to see Santa tomorrow?"

"Why would I? Jewish, remember? Besides, mall Santas are creepy."

"Yeah, but this is Blood. We get the real deal, not some surly alcoholic in a fake beard. He does a tour every year. Us, Sunnydale, I think Atlantis, and a few other places. And he's gonna be on the Mall-- that nice big grassy area in downtown, across from City Hall. They build a little cabin every year. It's pretty.

Last night in Sang Sacre.

I'm in the lighting display command center. Along with me are Inga and some other castle staff members. There's Jake, Deigo, Kim, Linda, and two guys in red shirts whose names I can't recall. It's time for the first test run of the lighting display.

I take a seat in my command center chair and give the first command. "Tell Scott in physical plant to start the fusion reactor."

All throughout the city lights dim and flicker as the capacitators charge for the massive amount of power needed to start the reactor. Somewhere deep in the Castle Scott throws the big lever and the fusion reactor comes to life. The final surge of power gives the city an opening act of green lit skys and transformers blow all over. The city goes dark, but the the reactor is running smoothly.

Scott's voice reports in over the intercomm. "Reactor is online sir."

I settle back in my chair. "Active cooling system. Put the viewscreen on."

The big screen in the front of the command center shows the Castle and forrest from a remote camera in the city. Kim reports "Coolent pressure is at 100% sir."

"Forrest Lights"

The view on the screen shows the rainbow of LED lights appear all throughout the forrest. There is some ooooing and ahhhhing as everyone in the command center enjoys the view.

Now for the big momment. "Castle Lights"

The viewscreen floods with light as night turns into day. The camera automatically polorizes to combat the brightness. In the city there are some who duck and cover mistaking the flood of light for the flash of a nuclear explosion.

"Coolent."

Kim looks at her screen and reports. "Pressure is steady at 100%."

"Good. Okay, lets have the computer load up some animations to..."

"Pressure is falling. 90%"

I look toward Jake. "What's going on with the coolent? Get me a report."

Suddenly all the lights go off for a second and come back on.

"What the hell? Why..."

The lights blink again.

"Coolent at 80%"

The lights continue to blink faster and faster. The light display has becom the world's largest strobe light.

"There must be a flasher bulb in there someplace." Reports Linda.

"Coolent at 70% and falling".

I hit the intercom button. "Scott what's going on with those pumps? I need more coolent pressure."

"Coolent at 50%"

Scott's voice breaks in over the intercom. "I'm giving you all the pressure I can. The pumps can't take anymore."

"Coolent at 40%. Heat is reaching critical."

One of panels in the control center explodes in a shower of sparks and knocks out one of the guys in a red shirt. This is the last time I'm buying a command center kit from ACME discount command centers.

"Coolent at 20%. Heat is at critical levels."

I pound a fist on the arm of my chair. "Shut it down!"

The lights go dark.

I turn to the other guy in a red shirt. "Go down and work with Scott to figure out what went wrong."

The other guy in a red shirt turns and takes one step before tripping over a cat, falling into a panel, and knocking himself out.

"Deigo, you go work with Scott and get that damn cat out of here."

"Bob?"

"Yeah?"

"Your vampiric vision can see in this pitch dark, right?"

"Yep."

"Good, you're lead. Achmed?"

"Yes, sitt?"

"Where did we leave the torches and pitchforks from the last time we had to deal with Gudanov?"

"Utility room in the basement, sitt. We'll probably find all the neighbors on their way down to collect their, um, accoutrements."

"Right. Time for an angry mob, I think, Blood-style. Bob, I heard you lick your lips."

"Sorry, you said blood."