There's a crowd of people jostling for position in front of a store. There is crying and shouting and general unruliness. I peer at the television, trying to figure out what's being shown.

"Do you suppose it's another Minear sighting?"

"That's just a myth - something wicked grandmothers tell mischievous children to scare them into good behaviour." Brian has always been a pragmatist.

"There is too such a thing as Minear."

Brian snorts skeptically.

"It's true!" I defend hotly, "If there was no Minear how do you explain all the pain and terror?"

The nasal voice of the television reporter interrupts us. "HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX IS A PHENOMONOM NOT SEEN SINCE THE DAYS OF THE BEATLES AND ELVIS PRESLEY! THERE IS A RUMOR THAT COPIES OF THE NEW BOOK ARE LIMITED! THE UGLY MOB IS STARTING TO GET RESTLESS!"

A brick shatters the window of what I now see is a store improbably called Wal-Mart.

"But, why are they so anxious to get a hold of Order of the Phoenix?" I look over at the bookshelf that contains all seven Harry Potters as well as the six book series of The Adventures of Sirius and Snape; I, Draco; and The Continued Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch (ret). "It's been out forever."

"I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN HOLD MY POSITION. PEOPLE ARE FLEEING - MOTHERS HOLDING ON TO THEIR CHILDREN - OH THE HUMANITY!"

"This is some kind of mundane channel. Since when do we have that on our cable package?" Brian is flipping through the owner's guide furiously.

The screen cuts to two plastic news announcers who wear identical looks of bovine blankness.

"Well, that was an interesting story, Ken."

"It sure was, Barbara. More on that later, when we return from this commercial message."

Brian and I look at each other in dawning horror - commercials?

Ominous music comes from the speakers and flaming letters crawl across the screen - HARRY HYSTERIA! DEVIL WORSHIP OR CLEVER MARKETING?

"Cthulhu save us - it's worse than I feared. It's not just any channel - it's .. it's … FOX!"

I grab the cats as I flee from the room. Brian follows close behind me, gathering weapons as he goes.

"It's not enough that I have to deal with that accursed oven Afrit, now we've got a television Troll. We're calling an exterminator."

"Fine, fine, let's just do it from a hotel, okay? I'm really creeped out."

We leave our cursed home and head for the nearest jitney, hoping against hope that our calls for help will be answered.

I have to admit, there's some cool stuff here. The cauldron's come in every size and colour, and they seem really solid. I turn one over. "Made in Salem." Hmmm. Top-quality stuff in Salem, I hear.

Not being a traditional witch I can't get as excited about the potion stuff, but Am-Chau has half-filled a basket already. I signal that I'm going off a bit to explore. This store is huge! Actually, it's a lot like K-Mart, only more obvious with the evil. It even has a Starbucks franchise, and right in the corner. . . Oh. My. God. A lawn and garden section. I feel myself being drawn forward by a powerful spell.

Penny's waving her arms again. She's either spell casting, or it's some sort of semaphore--hold on. Look where she's pointing. A... pet and animal section?

Okay. I have to go and see what they've got for dragonabbits.

"But I'm still looking at the potions!" Edward squeaks, so I leave her there to look at what she likes (it's not like any harm can happen-- she hasn't got any money), and head across to the pets area, carefully avoiding the garden items. Those roses look dangerous.

I have never so many cat toys in my life, and such unusual ones, too! Somehow I've managed to fill a basket full of catnip skulls, rubber rats, Cat Putty, chicken bouncies and, well, a bunch of stuff. I can hardly carry the damned thing when it hits me.

Home Decor. I feel my free will melting away.

I'm loading my basket with Cattle Smackers ("Give Your Cows The Kisses They Deserve"), when I hear a strange and unearthly cry.

Quite a quiet one, with more than a note of triamph.

"Mind Control Ray! 100% Genuine Mind Control Ray! Want WANT WANT!"

I look at Penny, and Penny looks at me. The horrific possibilites have occured to us both.

It must be Clovis, or some other minon of his. Edward isn't interested in mind-control.

"Mind Control Ray! 100% Genuine Mind Control Ray! Want WANT WANT!"

I manage to pry Clovis off the box he lept upon.

"No. We are not buying anything at this store. We are only here because you wanted to, and I quote 'Look around.' No purchasing."

"but but ... Mind Control Ray! very own Mind Control Ray for cute cute bunny!"

An imp in a blue t-shirt that says Where it? Ask me and I'll show you! and a nametag reading "Qxrltbt" appears next to us in a puff of faintly sulpherous smoke.

"Oh, the Mind Control Ray. Very popular. Can I answer any questions about it for you?"

"how much how much how much?!"

I smile in a 'go away annoying salesthing' manner. "No, we don't have any questions, thanks. We're just browsing."

"are NOT! buying Mind Control Ray right now now now!"

I hold Clovis facing me. "Clovis, you have no money."

Qxrltbt coughs politely. "Filling out a store credit-card application is quick and virtually painless. We offer special rates for Evil Overlords-to-be."

I glare at the sales imp. "Thank you, no. We're not interested."

"are so", Clovis mutters.

Qxrltbt opens his mouth to say something else when a slightly larger imp, wearing a shirt, tie, and nametag that reads "Vlxtrbl - Asst. Manager" appears. He grabs Qxrtltbt and whispers something to him. Qxrtlbt looks at me and Clovis, turns a paler shade of green, and vanishes. Vlxtrbl smiles a large, pointy-toothed smile.

"I'm terribly sorry, Miss, Devilbunny. Our sales-staff didn't recognize you at first. Always happy to see another store-owner in our little enterprise."

I glare at him. "We don't sell anything actively harmful or evil at MY store."

"Well, yes, this is true. Which is why our owner felt there was an opening in the marketplace ..."

Clovis who had been suspiciously quiet, wiggles his ears.

"'evil overlord s -to-be' insulting. everyone knows am only possible future evil overlord. don't like references to multiple wanna-be overlords. don't want stupid-probably-not-working Mind Control Ray from here."

I smile. The assistant manager starts stammering.

"Well, of course, you would be the only overlord we know of in this city ..."

"hmmph."

Vlxtrbl tries to back-pedal as I walk away holding Clovis.

"C'mon bunny. We'll stop for coffee on the way home."

"... am so only future evil overlord. not just only one in city. when overlord, will blow up insulting store ... coffee? cookie? treat? have been very good devilbunny!"

I smile down at him. "Yes, you have been. Maybe I'll get you a gingerbread minion.

"gingerbread minion! bite off feet, then hands, then head!"

Walking out of the store, I pull my phone out of the coffin purse. " ... Hi sweetie. Yes, we're done. No, they insulted Clovis. I'll tell you about it when I get home. Want me to pick you up something from the coffee shop?"

I stare at the bill in horror. It's almost as scary as the damned FOX network.

"Six hundred and forty dollars for a feckin' television troll?!"

The repair-wizard shrugs. "And thirty seven cents. You have a big TV."

I turn to the wife, cats, and suitcases full of dirty clothes. She nods sheepishly. I snort in disgust, handing over my First Bank of Sang Sacre credit card.

I shoot her a foul look. "You and your I-want-to-see-Mal-life-sized! Hope it was worth it!"

She takes on a dreamy expression. The cats, which she hugs closely to her chest, begin to look mildly uncomfortable.

"Now stop that!"

The repair-wizard hands back my card and a receipt. With a bob of his head, he then disappears. We trudge into the house. I stop to throw the suitcases into the laundry room. She enters the living room. I hear a disgusted sound from her proximity.

Entering the living room, I smell something vaguely like stilton cheese fished out of a sewer. There, next to the TV and my wife, is a burnt troll carcass. As usual the only ones who don't mind the presence of a body on the floor are the cats. One bats an eyeball around the floor. The other just sits between the troll's legs, sniffing its butt.

"Right. I'll get the axes. You get the mop."

How on earth did I manage to buy so much frelling stuff in one trip? I am literally neck-deep in bags and wrapping paper as I sit on the floor. Worse, I seem to recall ordering several estimates from Aeshma's Home Improvement Department. I flop on my back and let the bags cover me.

After several days of work I have come to the conclusion that my cloning machine just won't work without being attached to an Eviltron 2000 (tm) control module.

"Go ahead and hook up the Eviltron Igna, looks like we'll just have to go with evil twins instead of pure clones." I say to my trustworthy lab assistant.

Inga reattaches the unit. It's an ugly piece of equipment, black, twisted, and covered with spikes. All marketing really, the actual machine is a little gray box, the rest is just glued on.

"Um, it's giving me an error sign." My assistant points out a little flashing red LED. She consults the manual. "The light means that it's out of evil. We need to fill it up with two tablespoons of concentrated evil in powdered form."

"Are you reading that right? You can't just go out an buy a box of evil like so much baking soda."

Inga pulls out a colorful flyer from the newspaper. "There's a new place in town that sells it." She flips through the flyer. "Here's a coupon."

"Okay, go ahead and pick up a box. I want to see if this is for real."

Inga carefully empties the bag of powered evil into a stainless steel bowl on the workbench.

"I didn't expect evil to be yellow." I comment. "This is the pure evil, right?"

Inga nods. "That's what the package said."

"I think some experimenting is in order to confirm that this is actual evil."

"Agreed." Says Inga.

"Well, I think it's obvious what we need to do."

"Put this in the city water supply and track the number of people who start wearing black leather pants?"

"Exactly."