With a few special touches these babies will assure my victory in the Sang Sacre gardening club contest.

noooooo!

The cat has apparently learned to use the can opener during my, er, coma. Well, good for her. Raven appears remarkably unphased by my lengthy check-out, which confirms what I've always suspected about cats.

It took me two hours to dust the place, and another two to clean and replenish the fridge. I've left messages with Aimee and Am-Chau explaining my rudeness in returning calls - now for mail.

Wow. What a lot of gardening catalogues. I gather a bundle of them, snag a cup of hot tea and head for the porch to dream of better things. It's a bit of a wilderness out there, but it's pretty. Some foresighted former tenant planted about a million bulbs long ago - grape hyacinths, tulips, irises, paperwhites - all blooming at once. Unlikely, but cool. I bet Sang Sacre has some great gardening clubs. I should definitely look into that.

"Bob, I had a deadline. You're not supposed to distract me so much I lose track of deadlines."

"I thought the only deadline you were interested in was the line between my abs."

"Right. For that you get tickled."

"Somewhere in the city a penguin weeps."

I'm wet, I'm dirty, and raspberry brambles are attempting coitus with my hair. I feel fully justified in ignoring my husband if he's going to speak in faux-Zen.

Gardening is filthy, backbreaking, gloriously satisfying work. I've sheared dead branches off my raspberry bushes, freed my strawberries from tenacious maple sproutlings, raked a forest of autumn leaves … God - did I say gloriously satisfying? I meant never-freaking-ending. Why did we buy such a large lot? Right, because I wanted to garden. Why so many trees? Right, because I like trees.

Cursing my stupid distaste for concrete and asphalt I leaned back on my heels, applying upward pressure on the pernicious weed I held in a deathgrip. It submitted, releasing its hold on the rich loam with an utterly gratifying 'pop'. I brandished my vanquished foe, triumphantly displaying its icebergian root.

"If you care to pause in your noxious weed jihad, lunch is ready."

Oooh, food.

"As long as you're not serving greens, I'm all yours."

"I wish you'd stop putting conditions on our relationship."

He managed to dodge the mud I flung toward him as we dashed toward the house.

***

I stood on the back deck, hands on hips, Mistress of my Domain, fully satisfied.

"You gotta love Blood."

Whilst we were eating a wind had blown up, scouring the yard of fallen leaves, whipping the dead grass from the lawn, removing the detritus of winter, leaving everything black and green and growing.

I dashed across the emerald turf to the flowerbeds. I cooed over Gypsy Girl crocuses, the wee yellow cups streaked with a purple so dark as to seem black. I oohed over the shy, delicate snowdrops, trembling in the breeze. I aahed at the silky soft catikins on my French willow. I scowled at the spiky green plant sullying the pristine earth.

"Die, motherfucker." I growled as I dove - spike in hand - at the cheerful yellow flower.

As I wrestled it out of the ground I heard a far off howl of dismay and caught the faint scent of herring on the wind.

Ack! Never mind, I'll do it myself. Honestly, trying to teach an Instagolem (TM) the difference between a weed and a wildflower is frelling impossible. I send the minions off to clear brush while I ponder the blank slate that is my back yard. It occurs to me that this is a situation for Better Living Through Chemistry - and Magic. Or perhaps I should just rent a flamethrower and start fresh.

To my amazement the Instagolem have cleared enough brush to reveal a greenhouse! I set them to pulling unwanted saplings and investigate. The hinges are a bit rusty, but the glass is intact. The hoses will need to be replaced but all the plumbing works. Wheee! This will be perfect for a summer lab.

"What's his problem?" Phred asks, pointing his thumb back in the general direction of the caterwauling coming from inside the house.

"He's ticked because I rejected his ideas for the garden." I stab the spading fork deep into the dark soil so that it stands up on its own. I leave it there, remove my leather gloves, and use my Dodgers baseball cap to swab at the sweat on my forehead. I put the cap back on, adjusting it on my head. "I told him that all I wanted was a simple little tomato patch, with maybe a couple of cantaloupe plants. He gives me a garden plan the put The Victory Garden to shame. There was corn, and peppers, and eggplants, and beans, and peas, and even kohlrabi, for heaven's sake. And turnips. Yards and yards of turnips. The stupid bird doesn't even eat vegetables!"

"I like kohlrabi..."

I hand him the sheet of graph paper with a bird's diagram on it. "Fine. You plant the garden, then. He can't help you. Do you remember what happened the last time he tried to used the weed whacker? Mrs. Harrison hasn't," I say, gesturing towards the house next door. "She sics her rottweiler on him any time he even looks at her rose bushes."

Phred turns the diagram a bit, trying to align it with various landmarks in the back yard. "You know, turnips are tasty, too."

My eyes start rolling like the wheels of a slot machine. "He doesn't even like turnips. He just wants to grow them so he has some raw material for that stupid case of turnip twaddlers he bought. And don't get me started on the frelling beans. Some guy offers to sell him a pack of 'magic' beans, and he gives him the twenty bucks I gave him to use to buy peat moss."

"So... Tomatoes, you say?"

"Yup. Cantaloupes, too. Started the seedlings a month ago. Hand me the rake, would you?"

I can't even go down to the convenience store in the lobby of the Folly without hearing people talking about mulch and deadheading (didn't that make Bob look nervous) and pruning. I dodge some people getting starry-eyed over the gardening magazines in the store as I make my way to the counter.

"Hey, Jake," I say to the clerk. He's too busy reading something. "Jake!"

"Huh! Oh, hi, Connie, what's up?"

"My fridge isn't getting refilled with diet Coke. Is something wrong with the catering spells? Or is this part of the 'You should step outside your flat at least once a week' campaign I've heard about?"

"Oh, gosh, sorry, I've just gotten behind." He holds up a rose catalog. "David Austin's got some new varieties that should work in window boxes. But I'll have your fridge refilled by the time you get back upstairs."

I can think of nothing to say that doesn't make me sound anti-greenspace and hopelessly urban. "Thanks, Jake."

Still, once everything's planted for the season, it'll be nice to go out and look at all the pretty flowers.

"Huh," I say to Jossica when I've finished my breakfast and listened to the message on the answering machine. "Penny seems to think we've lost some time somewhere."

"Stuff like that happens," a voice says from-- somewhere.

"Stay there," I tell the dragonabbit, and go to investigate. Edward is halfway through the letterbox, and flailing about vainly.

"Just pull me through, will you?” she says, irritably.

“Okay, okay,” I say, putting the camera down. It does no harm to have a record of these moments. “What happened to you?”

"Oh, nothing very much. I was nearly cut in half by a lawnmower, a great fat dahlia tried to eat me, and there’s all together too much gardening going on for my tastes. I made it, though."

"Indeed you did. But come, dearest bear, we have company."

"Not one of those dreadful monsters you’re so keen on?"

"Don’t worry, Edward, they only come to visit when the stars are in alignment. No, this is a poor orphan bunny, looking for someone to feed and nurture it."

"Bunny, huh?" A pause. "Clovis! Clovis! CLOVIS!"

"No, not Clovis. Her name is Jossica, and we have to build her a hutch."

"Well, you needn’t think I’m helping with that."

"Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t. Come on—breakfast, planning, and then…"

"Taking over the world?"

"Maybe. If you’re good, and help me tidy up-- no, don't sneer like that, just inside the house-- we’ll see if we can take over the world this afternoon."

Gosh, I'm so excited I'm actually rubbing my hands with glee like a mad scientist or something. Okay, let's try it out.

The potion has turned out a lovely, glittery raspberry colour, which pleases me. Presentation is always important. I gently apply a tablespoon of it to the soil surround the rather unpromising-looking leaves. Within seconds a bud peeps out. I watch it grow fat, grow red. A fantastically full, blood-coloured tulip emerges. It seems almost. . . shiny. The King Tulip reaches a height of 18 inches and begins to sway. Finally it pulls itself out of the soil, bulb intact and marches off the bed.

I open the greenhouse door and watch it go. Not bad. Not bad at all. Not good enough for a blue ribbon, but a nice start. I return to my potions.

I think I have a black thumb. I put in plants...they all die. Of course taking my troll's hammer out to the seedlings is probably not that helpful.But I get so impatient. Maybe there is a spell. Or is magical gardening illegal in Sang Sacre?