"Don't even think it," I say quietly to Bob the Vampire. "Put the remote down and back away."

"But--it's on every channel!"

"Yeah, so?"

"I hate politics! It was tiresome back when you had fun guys like Jefferson and Adams around, it's tiresome now."

"You don't have to watch it. Besides, they're just advertising the debate, it's not even completely scheduled yet. Just be patient--" I give him a suspicious look "--unless this is your way of trying to destract me from the fact that you're watching Charmed repeats again."

"Not! Wouldn't! Maybe."

"Look, we managed to snag that advance copy of the Two Towers extended DVD, let's just watch that."

"Hoo yeah! Eowyn kicking ass."

"You're so predictable." We settle onto the sofa, both with our own bowls of popcorn, as Bob tends to bogart it all if I let him. "Achmed, it's starting!"

"Be right there, sitt! I'm finishing the falafel!"

I look up at Bob. "You do know I'll be watching the debate, right?"

"You don't love me anymore."

"We'll discuss that later. Hush, it's the pretty mountains shot."

Hee!

Knut seems sceptical. "Infiltrate the enemy? Do you think that's a good idea?"

"No, I don't. It's probably a dreadful idea, but every single thing I've done since I came here has had horrendous consequences, even the really harmless stuff. Infiltrating Aeshma's camp will probably suck like the mighty wind, but do you think it will be any worse than fighting mirror demons, or skeletons, or jello-puke monsters?"

Knut thinks it over for a minute, then brightens. "I have a plan!"

"A cunning plan?"

"Cunning and wiley! We could disguise ourselves as our own evil twins. We would be unto Aeshma as the Greeks were to the Trojans."

"Um. Okay, but maybe you shouldn't talk too much when we get there."

“Good afternoon. Front desk. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No, I’m sorry… Look, we didn’t make the mirrors that way, it just happened. And it’s over now. Yeah, well I’m sorry that you missed out on getting an evil twin. No, you’re not entitled to a refund. Well, I can offer you a free continental breakfast tomorrow… I don’t know if we have any kidneys right now… Oh, kid knees, no. You’d have to go to Julio’s Casa de Carne. It’s over on Avenida General Velasquez. I’ll send up a map… No problem.”

“The trolls again?” asks Raul. I nod. “Cuantas veces? I mean, c’mon.” He walks over to the big screen tv in the lobby and turns it on. The talking heads pop out of the TV, the walls of the lobby fade away, and suddenly it’s like we’re inside the debate hall. “This tv got so much better since your birthday, Vieja. Demi-gods rule.”

“Why are we watching the debates, anyway?”

“We’re supposed to be helping the evil dude win. At least, that’s what the paper airplane said.”

“Well, I don’t know how watching debates is supposed to help Aeshma win. Besides, We’ve got other things to worry about. Gert’s still out cold. Her evil twin is still out there somewhere and the cats are still missing. And there’s the whole Mambo incident. I really can’t worry too much about the elections.”

Suddenly, a door swings open and there’s a tiny white cat in the middle of the debate hall. A large black one slinks in behind her, followed by a conspicuously huge chaos demon.

“Whoa. Is it live or is it Memorex?” Raul exclaims.

“Have you been in cook’s herbs?” I give him the raised eyebrow, then I turn my attention to the little white cat sitting at my feet. “Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Enano?” She manages to make a little moue with her cat whiskers. “Yeah, well evil always sounds like fun until someone gets hurt. So what are you doing here now?” She turns and twitches her tail at me. Evil Gert bends down and scoops her up.

“We have a proposition for you. Aeshma needs to reach the Latino voter. We need a base of operations in the Bresilico. We’re looking to rent some space in your events center. We can pay top dollar.”

“A campaign consultant, Gert? You really are evil.” I look at Raul, but he just shrugs his shoulders.

“Dejelo ganar, pues.”

“Ok, You can have the LLorona Lounge, but Aeshma needs to do something for the community, something charitable. Maybe something related to the arts. How does he feel about Mambo?”

I'm listening carefully to the soft chatter around me, trying to gauge the mood of the crowd, when I feel something pulling on my skirt hem.

"Edward?"

"Yeah, it's me. I can't find Clovis."

That's probably just as well. "We'll find him later. First, we need to get this guy elected." I bend down and pick her up. "He's got to win- that's the only way we can truly defeat him."

"Surely there needs to be some debate?"

"I think they're happening other places. How about we try and get this lot started on a riot? He isn't appearing, and we need to cut to the paper chase. Get the actual voting over with."

Edward grins. Starting a riot is just to her taste. "Aesh-ma! Aesh-ma!"

The chant is quickly picked up, and the crowd begins to surge forward. In Blood, such a chant has the power of a summoning spell. We'll get this bastard. Oh, we'll get him.

"Hey, boss! The debate's coming on."

Phred points the remote at the TV, and switches the channel from the Billy and the Boingers episode of Behind the Music to the mayoral debate. The penguin is sitting in a chair wolfing down popcorn as he watches. I glance at the screen. Behind the talking head I can make out Aeshma and his handlers. He's looking pretty confident, as well he should. The polls have him out in front with a comfortable lead.

They start the introductions. "Phred, turn up the volume a little, will you."

"...and the candidate for the Meadow Party..."

"How on god's green earth did he manage to get invited to the debate?" I say to no one in particular.

"Well, he is a candidate, boss"

"But he's a penguin. In fact, he's an evil penguin."

"Still a candidate. I wonder why he's got that cat with him? Mangy looking critter, ain't it."

"He came out of a mirror. He's not real..."

Phred fixes me with a look. "You're beginning to sound awfully speciesist, boss. It's not just humans who live in this town."

"My head hurts..." I go behind the bar and draw a Yeungling. The Elder Cookie candidate is making his opening remarks. Something about free gingerbread cookies for all. Now it's mirror!bird's turn. This is going to be a watch from the hall moment for sure.

I'm wrong. He's good. Very good. We listen as he ticks off the points of his platform one by one. "Jeez. That was, er..., unexpected." His tax policy is very sound, and I like his proposal for preservation of historic buildings. "You know, I'm half inclined to vote for him. It's a shame we need for Aeshma to win this thing."

"Me, too. I really liked his position on health insurance for non-humans. He's kicking Aeshma's ass in this thing. Oh, now it's Aeshma's turn."

Aeshma's handler looked very worried during the penguin's remarks, but Aeshma appears confident as he strides to the podium and goes into his spiel. Law and order, who'da guessed. He begins a rant about the evil facing the city. I'll give him credit, he's got a good speech writer. Kind of one note, though, and it doesn't seem like it going to be a short speech.

"C'mon, just ascend already," mutters Phred.

"There are evil beings among us. Surely you've seen them, mirror images of all that is good and pure. They have come here through their evil mirror access points to wreak havoc on our fair city with their anti-alliterative terrorism and their hideous penguin lust. We need to take back our city from these minions of the access of evil, and make the city a safer place for puppies and other cute, fuzzy creatures.

Do you want to know what evil looks like?" He turns, and points a bony finger at the penguin. "That's what it looks like. My esteemed opponent is one of them. Is that the kind of being you want to run our fair city?"

With that, he pulls out a huge broadsword, and swiftly swings it, lopping off the mirror!penguin's head in a flurry of feathers and penguin gore.

"I thought not!"

The debate has gone well. The articulate bird is no more and the Elder Cookies will find that a horde of cookie-eating monsters I've summoned is awaiting them backstage. In one swift stoke of action I have ensured my victory.

My campaign consultant seems upset as he meets me backstage. "What the hell did you do that for?!"

"I am tired of your useless advice, I took matters into my own hand."

"But...but..." stammers my consultant.

I hate stammering, I slice him in two with my annhilation sword.

"Boss! Boss!" yells my trusty minion Deimos over the sound of a cookie-monster feeding frenzy and the general chaos that ensues once one starts slicing things in two.

Deimos shapechanges into something skinny and works his way through the crowd to give me my cell phone. "It's somebody named Ashcroft. Says he heard your law and order speech and needs to talk to you."

I take the phone and manage to carry on a conversation above the din. I hang up and hand the phone back to Deimos. "I've been called to a higher cause Deimos. We're moving to a place called 'Washington'".

"What about the election?" Asks Deimos.

"I'll have to withdraw. I'll have my media consultant explain to the press."

"You killed him last week."

I look around and spot one my zombies shambling around with a box of buttons. "You. Address the press, tell them I'm withdrawing from the race."

Some reporters overhear me and begin swarming around my zombie media consultant as I explain that all questions must be routed through him.

"Can you confirm that Aeshma has withdrawn from the mayoral race?"

"Braaaaaiiiiiiins."

"Was the beheading of his opponent during the debate a planned move?"

"Braaaaiiiiiiiins."

I turn away from the press conference and head for the back door with my minion.

"What about Miracleman?" Asks my minion.

"I just cast a curse that will doom him." I explain as I walk by one of many 'Miracleman for Mayor' posters that have suddenly appeared. We climb into my shiny new black Hummer H2 with Deimos taking the driver's seat.

As we pass the 'Now leaving Sang Sacre' sign my minion speaks up. "You going to miss this place boss?"

"Nah. I never liked this place."

"C'mon, just ascend already," mutters Phred.

snerk

"Well," I say, watching the feathers fly. "This is new. Old-fashioned politics."

"I knew I loved this city!" Bob yells. "Fried chicken tonight. Let's go collect the corpse! Corpses, you like gingerbread."

"Bob, I really think etiquette frowns on cooking and eating the bodies of defeated political candidates."

"Yeah, sure, in this country, but, come on, be cosmopolitan. Get Miss Manners on the line, either of them, I'm sure they'll agree."