I pat myself down for weapons, and am pleased. Strap on a couple more knives (silent velcro is a gift from gods), and a bow, and I'm ready to meet Penny.

Hmmm. Bit chilly here - maybe I should open the wine? Although it wouldn't do to meet ita half sloshed, and I am such a lightweight these days.

Aha! There she is, absolutely covered in silver jewelry. No, my mistake, covered in knives. I clean my glasses and beckon her to the rather nice shrubbery where I've been waiting for turkeys.

Trying to get to the bar is absolutely murder. Literally. I'm starting to have second thoughts about The Prancing Pony - bloody theme bars riding the zeitgeist but the mead is good and the karaoke's disarmingly old fashioned. A preternaturally pretty little person with hairy bare feet is standing on one of the tables doing a wobbly dance and singing about the man in the moon. He's cute, but he's surrounded by adoring friends and one of them has the look of a person who will quite assuredly kill you if you try anything. Fair enough.

I've never really got the hang of this getting-served business. The big chaps in black cloaks have a very effective method of getting to the front of the queue, but I'm really not that ruthless. (Besides, it's the devil's own work getting blood out of this dress, claret coloured or no.)

I rest my hand on the pommel of my sword in a manner more optimistic than capable, but the fact that I apologise automatically every time one of these oafs stands on my foot or pushes in front of me isn't really helping. Huh.

That's about enough Little Miss Nice Englishwoman, I think. Time to open the cloak and use the cleavage.

....getting served was remarkably easy after that. Unfortunately the sweaty gentleman behind the bar seemed determined that I needed his services, and I'm not entirely sure that it was prompt delivery of peanuts that he had in mind. I smile and bob and weave the hell out of the way and go looking for a space to sit.

Eventually I end up by the Juke Box. Our hairy-footed friend has finished his rendition (apparently the Dish and the Spoon ran off together in the end, and they did manage to return the man-in-the-moon to the moon) and it seems to me that what this place needs is a little more music.

Iva Bittova. Crazy Czech lady singing about a Vampires' Ball. Sounds good to me. I rummage through my purse, withdraw a couple of euros and a handful of knuts, and feed them into the machine.

Somewhat to my surprise, it starts to play David Bowie instead. Something from the Labyrinth soudtrack. Huh. Cool. Unexpected, but cool. Evidently this is a Juke Box with decided opinions on what it will play. Very Sang Sacre.

I pick up my mead and turn to survey the room, and at this point the floor begins to shake.

Come on, come on. One more step and you're mine, Mr. Turkey. I can almost taste the FUCKING HELL!

The turkey takes off like a rocket and I'm left cursing and grabbing my ear. It's a paper airplane. At least it bears good news, and it didn't draw blood.

Sigh. I refuse to use charms or spells against a turkey, however wily, but I may have to bring out the gun if I don't have more luck in the next very short while.

A very large turkey comes screeching my way, with a very frustrated woman behind it. I reach into my bag and pull out my 100% guaranteed turkey snare and grab it by the feet as it runs past me.

Holding him close to me, in case he's a pet, I approach the woman and ask, "Is this yours?"

Uh, thanks. I was actually hunting it. I suppose we should let it go, although it breaks my heart to do so.

Unless. . . do you like turkey? We could split it.

"Oh shit. I'm sorry."

I put the turkey back on the pavement and give him a slight boot to get him running.

Man. I'm making a great impression upon the people in my new town.

I ask her. "Ummm...do you happen to know this guy? Miracleman?"

Penny's off talking to some woman I've never met. Looks like she did catch something while I was checking my snares. I've now got a brace of rabbit, and a bit of a hunger coming on.

Don't you hate it when that happens? You've put your bag down for a moment to take a sip of mead, when suddenly six turkeys come storming into the bar and one of the buggers swoops down on your bag and steals it. Only in Sang Sacre. They're off out the door with their loot before you can say Jack Robinson, and I drop my tankard and leg it after the wretched bird.

.....some minutes later, with my sheathed sword clattering against my thigh and my precious bag still clutched in the blasted thing's beak, I see it heading towards a strange woman who is busy reading a paper plane. I thank all that I hold dear when she has the presence of mind to grab the damn bird by the feet.

I look around and it seems that several of the other turkeys have already run into the Turkey-grabbing lady. Bloody Bird Gangs, with their heist-pulling. Honestly, I really should have a word with Theresa. Hmph.

"Sorry, could I just - I think that's my bag that it dropped. Yes. Great. That was very quick reacting there."