"Boss, I think she's faking."

"All right, we'll find out. I'm brewing...the Special Blend."

"Boss! No!"

Oh, yes. The Special Blend. Mutant coffee beans grown in the lost caverns under the Himalayas by insane koboldean monks with a caffeine-high fixation. The soil they grow in is fertilized with the blood of yetis and the plants are exposed only to moonlight and high-intensity radiation. She won't be able to fake sleep after a sip or two of this stuff. She won't be able to fake the smoke coming from her ears, either. Muahahaa.

I open my eyes and sit up quickly at the scent of Special Blend floating through the room.

"Let's go and visit some houses I could buy!"

"You have, I assume, money that works in this world?"

Often they don't. Often it's etched quartz, or the shells of tiny squids or bags of dirt. All held out with a puzzled yet hopeful face and the expression "Is this enough?" I don't even want to know how the banks work out the exchange rate for 1400 pounds of manticore offal.

It's a good question. I had a herd of goats and three fields of cabbages back home, but they might not work here, even if I had them with me.

I grope in my pocket, and pull out a cabbage leaf. It's slightly wilted.

"Will this be enough?" I ask, holding it out. Note to self: practice the 'puzzled yet hopeful' face a bit more. It's not working very well.

*sigh*

I figure the exchange rate for one wilted cabbage leaf is approximately .06 cents. It's Christmas Eve and I've still got to find a present for Hector and see what this Penny B. wants and...

"Look, it's a holiday here, right? I'm not even sure if the realtor is open. Here," and I present a credit card "is a loan. If the realtor is open you can find a house and that should pay for it and we can...work out repayment terms later. Here," I say again "is a map. I think the realtor around here should be aware of things enough that 'a magic house' won't throw them.

"If you can't find a house tonight, Hector will let you back in. And if you'd like..." I shoot an inquiring glance Hector's direction.

He shrugs. "Sure. You don't feel safe walkin' 'round, I'll wander about witcha. Just to, you know, make sure things go okay."

"Fair enough?"

I nod quickly, taking care not to faint again, and then shake my head. Oh dear.

One question at a time, girl.

"Thank you," I say to Miracleman, "and no thank you, Hector. I think I should be able to find my way around now."

Hector looks a little insulted.

"Okay," I relent, "Come with me. I'd want some advice on how this funny plastic money works, anyway."

ita? Is that you? I must say, your corporeal change of residence agrees with you. Nice scimitar!

Oh, I'm just here for the weekends and occasional holidays. I'm working on a project. It will be ready for beta testing in a few weeks, but I'm going to need backers.

Off to get a few things for an early Christmas dinner. Can you recommend a decent grocery store?

"Uh, a grocery store?"

I kill my own food. I'd forgotten that you could buy it too.

Hmmm. I wouldn't mind killing the non-vegetable stuff. Do you have a hunting area near by? Wild turkey would hit the spot, but boar would do in a pinch.

I suppose I could grow and kill my own vegetables too, but I'm staying at a kind of boarding house while I'm here.

Connie and I walk out of the theater, shaking our heads. Damn Nazgul got up three times for nachoes once the Ents started attacking. Bitches. We could take them out, but instead we opt for ice cream. Sitting in the corner booth of the small parlor, we go over what we know.

Connie shifts in her seat, licking her cone. "Miracleman's doing ... something. After that last fiasco, ita's been keeping a closer watch on him."

"Yeah, Hector's been keeping the town apprised of anything funky. Our Darling Hecubus has a nice deal going there."

"Well, look at the mess from last time. We had to do something. "