"Computer, bring up surveillance video for the 3rd floor pantry, midnight to five a.m. Set playback 60x normal speed." I command the computer. Then I sit back and watch on the OLED screen.

There! At 2:38 a.m. the pantry door opens. Only thing is, there's nobody there opening it. Hmmm.

"Shift to thermal, 2:37 a.m to 2:38 a.m. playback one tenth normal speed." I tell the computer. No distinct image is resolved, but there is a small increase in heat in a localized area. Whatever it is, it approaches the pantry right before the door opens. Bingo.

"Now inspect each frame from 2:37 a.m. to 2:38 a.m. in the visual spectrum. Isolate the frames that show significant variance from baseline." The camera records at 2400 frames per second giving the computer 144,000 frames to find something. It takes about a second for the computer to finish its search. Sure enough, something is fading in and out of detection faster than the human eye can discern. Nothing is ever completely invisible.

"Playback frames with variance only, synchronize to half normal speed." There it is, some sort of chubby figure almost three feet in height. That's the bastard that stole my stash of Hersey's special dark. He's dressed in knickerbockers, buckled boots, shirt, suspenders, and a little pointed hat.

"Cross reference the image with all databases, find out what that thing is." I instruct. The computer makes the identification in moments. Chocolate Gnome, and according to the database where there's one, there are bound to be a lot more. Something is going to have to be done, I want my chocolate back dammit.

"Hans, I've got movement." I relay to Hans as the red marker on my map of the city started to move. It was mere minutes after Hans had secretly implanted a microtransmitter into one of the few new Brach's chocolate bars just stocked at Snackymart.

"I see him. I'm following." replied Hans though his transmitter. Hans had been stationed outside Snackymart on his motorcycle. The visor on his helmet includes a newly programmed filter to let him see the otherwise invisible chocolate gnome now making off with the stolen chocolate.

"We're heading west, toward Blackwood Parish. He isn't checking to see if he's being followed." Hans informs me. No surprise there, being invisible makes you overconfident. Overconfident enough to not notice a tall man with a visored helmet tracking your every step. Hans isn't telling me anything I can't already see on my screen, but I'm glad to know he's still tracking the target. Transmitters can be blocked.

"He's heading into the woods in Parish Park. I going in after him." Transmits Hans.

"Careful in there." I reply.

I continue to watch, suddenly the red mark disappears off my screen right in the middle of the woods. "What's happening out there Hans? The trace stopped transmitting."

"Woah. It looks like some sort of... portal." Replies Hans.

"To where?" I ask.

"I don't know for sure. It looks like....well, it looks like a forest of candy canes." He informs me.

"Don't go through. Take some pictures and return to the castle." I tell him.

"Already on it." Says Hans. Sure enough, my secondary monitor starts displaying images of the portal from Hans. Interesting.

It takes Hans a little over a half hour to get back to his motorcycle and navigate back to the castle. More than enough time to have gathered all the information I need to know we have a big problem.

"So boss, what's the story about that portal?" Asks Hans when he get's into the study where I've been monitoring the situation.

"Bad news Hans, it's a portal to Candyland." I tell him.

Hans looks confused. "How bad can it be, sure the chocolate gnomes are annoying but they aren't exactly dangerous."

"You're right about the gnomes, though a few chocolate riots might change our minds about how harmless they are. They are the least of our concerns though. Candyland is loaded with sentient candy and frankly they aren't too fond of candy eating humans." I tell him grimly.

Hans smiles and says. "Yeah, but it's candy. How bad can it be?"

I bring up some images of dead bodies humans and cattle in a village. "Cameroon, 1986. An entire village wiped out overnight. It was attributed to CO2 out gassing from a local lake, but there are secret reports that this was the last site of a Candyland portal. Reportedly, a hoard of Peeps crossed over and went on a rampage."

"Holy shit. Peeps? You've got to be kidding." Says Hans incredulously.

"I wish I was. Free range Peeps are much, much larger than the ones you buy in the candy store, not to mention very aggressive against anything and anyone they think presents a threat." I tell him. "At least one renegade Peep was left behind when the portal closed. In 1998 it was tracked down and tested by Emory University where scientists found it was extremely resistant to damage."

"So what do we do?" Asks Hans. "How was the portal in '86 shut down?"

"That portal was unstable. According to my information, chocolate has been mysteriously disappearing for days. Something is holding this portal open. We're just lucky the Peeps or anything else that dangerous hasn't crossed over." I inform him.

"I don't like where this is going. We've got to go in." Says Hans.

"That's right, we're going to Candyland."

Dressed up in a power suit, horn-rimmed glasses on my nose, I walk into the City Hall, waltzing right up to the Mayor's private secretary.

"I represent the Demonic Justice League and Lobbyists Union. I've got a 3:15 appointment with His Honor." Storm past, just like I belong, barge right into Aeshma's office.

I open my briefcase, pull out two little folders, slap them down on his desk. "Your honor, the DJL&LU wish to invite you to be the keynote speaker for the first day of the Conference for Demons in Modern Politics. We were hoping you might be able to present something of a motivational speech, to get the crowd excited about the opportunities opening up for all demonkind. We know it is short notice, but there are two first class itineraries for you and a guest. You'll have to get packing, but we have every confidence in your abilities to provide the utmost in witty and motivating diatribes."

"I understand why you came to me, as the greatest Warlock in the word, nay, the Universe, I know more about demons and their ambitions that anyone. Yes, I will give this speech of yours, I will motivate these creatures of darkness and despair to go forth in the world and seize power. I will teach them to know I am their master, that I alone have the power to rule them all. They will cower before my power and beg to join me. My demon army will come to dominate the politics of this world and destroy all who oppose me. All will succumb and the world will be mine to control. Mine! All Mine! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ahem. So, um, who are you again?"

"Sparrow. Wind Sparrow. I'm with the Demonic Justice League and Lobbyists Union. We tend not to think so much in terms of Demon Armies so much as hordes of demon lawyers, and policymakers. But your fiery attitude is just what we need to warm up the Conference. What a role model you are for all aspiring demon politicians. And there will be plenty of time for the old meet and greet, and networking opportunities galore. And the cruise liner selected for this glorious jaunt is first class luxury all the way - spa, games, tai chi, pool, whirl pool, fabulous entertainment extravaganzas. After your keynote speech you will be welcome to partake of any of the standard amenities, as well as any of the sessions that interest you. And don't forget the vendors' area - nothing but the highest quality technological and magical suppliers. But don't feel pressured to go to more than you like, because as our esteemed guest, you will be welcome to as much downtime as you like.

"Let me just say how excited we at DJL&LU are to know you will be there to take our conference to another level."

"If it's evil you want, I know a portal over to Terra Prime, we could get you Bush and Cheney."

"We aren't that evil," said Sparrow, "and we have a different view of justice."

I am bitterer than usual this morning, probably because my coffee is too. I get why the imps took all the sugar, but the Sang Saccharine too? Really?

I angrily smack down my 'Attorneys Bill You For It' mug, and scrounge for something else to give me my morning caffeine fix.

Marvin is sorting the mail, dumping junk scrolls into the recycling bin, and looks up worriedly. Though it's hard to tell when a troll is worried, their faces tend to be furrowed by default.

"Sir?"

"This is horrible. We need to figure out some way out of this Candyland mess."

"Sir, I'm sure the city officials are already working on the solution." His delivery is too perfect, and I burst out laughing. He rumbles along with me, shaking the room and causing one of my nouveau faux art deco pieces to hang askew.

"Marvin, you and I need to hang out more." I open the mini-fridge Marvin keeps under his desk. Water, holy water, O neg, ah, a can of Coke in the back. I grab it.

"Maybe this will take your mind off things, Sir." Marvin's holding up a plastic-looking scroll, which folds out into the shape of a boat. Classy.

"A cruise? I really cannot afford a vacation right now, Marvin."

Marvin mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like "or a raise, you cheap bastard".

"What was that?"

"I said, this could raise your worth faster in this town." Marvin's surprisingly quick for a troll. "It's a demon networking cruise. Could be good for you and for business." He raises a troll eyebrow, which is also hard to make out since their hairlines go down to their noses. His long-overdue raise. I am a cheap bastard.

It could be good for me too. I hadn't really done anything in this town for, hmm, something like three years now. Not that many folks had.

"Alright, sign me up." I take a sip of my Coke as I walk back to my office. Ugh. I spit it out. The glucose right out of our soda cans? Really?

I'm not foolish enough to wander into Candyland alone, a couple of calls to the city watch scored some reinforcements. They weren't too happy about the lack of chocolate and sugar either, so they didn't have any aversion to helping out. I wish I didn't have the castle defense bot stripped down for its annual overhaul, but fortunately I have some other gadgets to help out.

By the time our van pulls up to Blackwood Parish park, the city watch has already set up a perimeter. It's time for Hans and I to get ready. Luckily, I had two sets of my new Mark IV powered armor prototypes functional. Being encased in state of the art protection makes me feel a lot better. I grab a prototype blast-o-matic laser pistol and plug it's power feed into my suit before holstering it. I really need a less campy name for that piece of hardware. Hans grabs my homemade flamethrower and straps on the backpack of fuel.

The city watch commander walks up, I can tell he's dubious about Hans and I coming along. "We're almost ready to go in, we are going to divide into three teams, alpha, beta, and epsilon. Alpha and beta will clear a path, epsilon will be in charge of figuring out how to close the portal. You two are in epsilon with Grimtooth and Stoner for escort, your job is avoid engaging any hostiles."

"Sure." I didn't expect to be in charge and frankly, that was for the best. I pressed a button on the side of the van and a panel slid open revealing a rack of rifles and goggles.

"Before we go in I have some presents for the watch." I said.

The commander takes a rifle from the rack and gives it a look over, feels the weight. "These look kinda familiar."

"M41-A pulse rifles, well fully functional replicas anyhow. People will pay a fortune for these things when they hit the market." I tell him proudly. "They're minus the grenade launchers though, those are still in development."

"These things really work?" He asks. "What does it fire?"

"10mm caseless high explosive tip light armor piercing. Like I said, fully functional."

He shrugs his shoulders. "What the hell, that robot of yours that cleans everything up at the barracks works."

"You'll need the goggles as well, they'll defeat the invisibility of the gnomes and imps." I tell him as I grab a pair to show him.

"Good." The commander seems a lot less skeptical about the goggles.

In a few minutes, the watch members are all equipped. Hans and I both sling a pulse rifle as well, the powered armor makes the extra weight irrelevant. We advance on the portal. Alpha team heads in first, rifles slung. They look relaxed, too relaxed, I guess it's hard to take the danger seriously when you're walking down candy cane lane. I just hope this goes as smooth as the commander apparently thinks it will.

I bustled the mayor off to his connecting flight, complimenting him profusely along the way. Here's hoping he's sufficiently buttered to not notice the fine print.

It's a Disney Cruise. He may not be the only demon there, but it will be far more cheerful than he can cope with. Seriously, that whole chocolate fiasco was calling out for some major vengence.

So - not ginger, then. Which is a trifle disappointing, but on the other hand - breasts! So that's definitely a turn up for the books.

On the downside, though, my current ensemble is designed for someone taller and narrower than I presently find myself.

Sigh.

It takes me quite a while of rummaging through the various wardrobes in the TARDIS in search of something appropriate for this new incarnation; it's not that there's any lack of female clothes, but for some reason I seem to have ended up rather more, ah, generously padded in various locations than most of my companions have been in the past.

I survey Peri's cast-offs with a jaundiced eye, and conclude that shoulder pads are not really my thing. I examine one of Leela's fur bikinis with slightly appalled fascination, but it's quickly clear that I would need to sew three or four of them together in order to contain my new-found cleavage. I rather like some of Romana's things, but looking at them depresses the hell out of me - in my heart of hearts I'm still hoping that somewhere out there I'll stumble across her again - perhaps in E-space, or perhaps somewhere closer to home. Stranger things have certainly happened.

I don't look at anything that was left by Rose or Donna.

After a while I realise that I'm going about this all wrong. I don't want anyone else's cast offs. I close my eyes, and wander deeper into the TARDIS's wardrobe, half-expecting to find snow and fauns and magical lions amidst all the furcoats. Instead I find purple velvet trousers and a soft, unstructured jacket to match. I rather like the way it billows out like a cape when I twirl.

Understated has never been part of my sartorial mission statement, regardless of regeneration.

Right. A shocking pink blouse and a pair of red sequinned ballet flats are added to the ensemble. I have a vague feeling that there ought to be a hat, but at this point the TARDIS starts to make a rather distressing high-pitched wail, and I hurry back to the control room.

"There there, sweetheart," I say, patting the old girl and scanning half a dozen readouts and buttons and handles.

Odd.

Candyland? Surely not...