vw, all the best to your mom, today. Good thoughts and prayers coming her way. I didn't mean that to rhyme, but at least it's not mime. I hope you're doing okay. (Oh, as usual, dear.)

Yay for billytea!

Hugs for Cass and Kittenish.

Happy Birthday, PC!

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Ok. I’m officially a mess. Finally got to sleep sometime after 2am, which is not good in vw sleep land. So, of course, I overslept…well into my first class. Got up and decided to just shower and go to the hospital. Call dad to tell him I’ll be there in an hour, and he mom decided I needed to go to whatever classes I could make it to. So, now I am not only beating myself up for oversleeping but also for thinking that I could be an adult and make a decision that I’d rather be at the hospital while my mother is having surgery. Can’t stop crying. Must get in shower so I can leave.

I’m so stressed, I think I might explode.

I'm sorry about the stress, vw. Keep breathing. If it helps, hip surgery was the easiest bout of surgery my family has gone through, with the quickest recovery and the most dramatic improvement.

So, now I am not only beating myself up for oversleeping but also for thinking that I could be an adult and make a decision that I’d rather be at the hospital while my mother is having surgery. Can’t stop crying. Must get in shower so I can leave.

Oh, honey. Take a few deep breaths.

If you want to be at the hospital, it is your decision. {{{vw}}}

Much good surgery~ma to your mom, vw. I've had several relatives get hip replacements, and it dramatically improved their quality of life. I hope your mom's experience is similar.

My cousin had both hips replaced and found it a godsend. As surgery goes, it's a great one--a simple procedure which can dramatically improve life.

Oh, and CONGRATS BT!!!!!! She's a lucky woman to have you and you're a lucky man to have her, and that's a wonderful thing.

I'm not actually worried about the surgery. She's having it done at the most respected facility in the country, and possibly world. Her recovery should be a piece of cake. Well, not really, but in terms of that kind of surgery, it will.

I just...I feel like I'm slipping...the pain I'm in, the exhaustion, but difficulty sleeping, no motivation, no will to take care of basic needs (shower, food, etc.), etc. And we can't go any higher on my anti-depressant. I'm WELL above the maximum recommended dosage (I'm on 110 mg; the highest recommended dosage is 60mg). And I just feel like I keep fighting and keep fighting, and it doesn't give. I just don't have the continued energy for this. I can do it for a little while, but then it just overwhelms me and becomes a really vicious cycle.

vw, can you call your therapist and talk to her about all of this?

You've been through huge stressors, lots of changes in the last month or two. I think it would be a good idea to be extra gentle with yourself.

vw, you've been having a really stressful time of late, and anyone would be freaking out over it, and combined with not sleeping and the rest, it's entirely understandable that you feel like that. But it will get better, and things will get easier.

vw, can you call your therapist and talk to her about all of this?

I actually see her at 3:00, so I'm gonna just try to hang on till then.

It's weird. I've been spending a lot of time writing lately, and one of the pieces I wrote was about moving out of the Cambridge apartment. I think it's a really beautiful piece. I ended therapy last week by reading it. We had spent most of the session talking about not fun things, and I wanted to end on a positive note.

It made my therapist cry, which was actually really weird-feeling. She keeps a very even perspective on things, and doesn't really ever show emotion in sessions, which I think is important with me. But, here she said I had captured the moment so beautifully and positively that she couldn't help but cry.

Anyway, the point of all that is to say, I've been trying to focus on the positive...especially with these pieces of writing I've been doing. But, recently, it feels fake and like I'm grasping at straws.