Nice, Liese.

And dayum. Victor. I can see you pacing and hear you reading that aloud. The whole thing has a beat. It's wonderful!

Susan, I like the blurb, but I think I'd use another word for "highly" qualified. Not uniquely, either. Definitely, usefully, especially. It's a chance to get a quirky but not nutty impression in there, something that will make you linger in the memory. In a good way. A "hook", as you say.

Little Pink Houses

The piñon and mesas blurred by through the van window. It feels like coming home, I thought fleetingly, though I'd never been and I knew I was moving to the next state over, not here.

It still looked like a dorm then, insipid inspirational posters on the walls, the exterior pink paint cracked and peeling. No one lived there except during camp. The house was vacant, stagnant.

The paint is still peeling and still pink. But when we got that call, come and stay, I knew I would. I could already feel the crackle of the cedar in the fireplace.

Ack. I can't get stopped...this is not a drabble.
---

bleed, did you, was it
for me
that you tore down your
defenses a rage of
defenseless stands you took
so that i
would attack your tower and you
would know you
were still alive
behind those walls

then when i
toppled your fragile
emplacements and you were
displaced i would
see you the real
you the desperate and
lonely you murderous and
impotent and hungry
you

and i would
have to do something about it
about you
was it for me

or did you just bleed

Nice stuff, Liese.

I finally finished the query letter, but I'm going to let it rest overnight before sending it so I can give it a fresh look first. Besides, maybe it'll be better to have it hit the editor's inbox mid-morning than have it be part of the deluge of email from overnight when she logs in first thing. Though that's probably like all the obsessing over good and bad times of year to send queries that goes on on all my writer boards.

Okay, now that I've had some time to absorb the above...

erika, this piece is really, really good. It flows well, and it pulls me forward. It's visceral, urgent, present. I particularly like this line

sweeping the floor like she was cursing it.

Unlike deb, I liked the "Something doesn't fit" bit, although I did read it at first the way she did. That is, as a statement, not a conditional. However, I felt that the double read reflected the character's perceptions. Still, it did make me go back and check what I'd read, so it might be worth smoothing. Stylistically, I did like it.

Lastly, you should be impressed, for the timeframe and for the quality. You should be damned proud of yourself. And you do, totally, rule. I'm just sayin.

Next up...victor.

I think you already know how I feel about this piece. I could go into pithy little ecstasies about it, but I don't suppose it would be particularly meaningful. Still, it's excellent.

I can't help liking the writing even though I know my opinion is being colored by really liking the subject matter. Things I spend a perhaps unreasonable amount of time mulling over. It's good, and it gives a tasty fresh perspective, the rubber-band blink when it all snaps into a new and different focus. It's good.

I too really enjoyed victor's piece. Some really gorgeous, thought-provoking images there.

Gronk. Awaiting meds...

Susan, the "highly qualified" is bland enough to sound generic. Hooking an editor is always a tricky business; don't judge the rest of your writing on your selling of your skill by way of this kind of pitch. Not in the same class or even on the same planet.

Liese, I liked the "Something doesn't fit" as well. The problem is, she's got a hard, strict word limit on this one, which means that every sentence has to be complete as well as connected: there's no room for freeform. So having the eye stop, falter and bring itself back to the beginning is fatal, in a piece of this length. In a novel, yes. In a hard-count short piece, no. The additional problem was that it was so early in the story; you make the editor double-read that early in, and you've lost them. Damn it, where's Amy when I need her? AMY! You're the editor; back me up here, please.

How about if I changed the second sentence to:

As a freelance writer with experience writing research-intensive news articles, I believe I could do excellent work for you.

These really are much easier to write when you're querying a specific article. It's hard to come up with a good hook when your message is "I can write about most anything, really."

ION, I just read a review of a historical romance set in my era where the heroine read Pride & Prejudice two years before it was published, and mentioned its heroine, "Miss Bingley." The characters also discussed Waterloo as if it were on the verge of happening. In 1811. To name just a few glaring inaccuracies.

Please help me find a way to laugh rather than cry about the fact that woman is an author and I am not. I know that historical accuracy is not the one be-all and end-all of what makes a book good, and I don't claim to be perfect at it. But I at least care enough to Google dates. (Actually, I care a lot more than that. I care enough to write strangers in England about their regiments' history. I care enough to make Interlibrary Loan my bitch. I care enough to go all geeky about weapons specs and siege tactics.) And I think I'm a decent writer who tells pretty good stories that are made all the better by me caring enough to try to get the setting at least kinda sorta right.

just close enough to Hollywood to fear it’s radiation

Victor, I'm almost positive you want its the possessive, rather than it's the contraction here.

Other than that, I like it a lot.

Susan, yep, that works better.

As for the writer in question, it might be interesting to find out who her agent is, and ping them. Your stuff is actually researched.