Cindy nailed the line break thing, but I think it's part of erika's software that makes it tricky, yes? And it can always be reformatted afterward. Because it isn't done - closure! Also, a word about that "Sigh" - that particular way of writing shifts us from her head into your head. She sighed, or she let out a sigh, or she bit back an impatient sigh, and we're back with her; sigh, and it's you doing it. A POV shift, there.

Her gaze doesn't lie on the lens

ita, the "lie" usage here? My brain took it and immediately redefined it as "the camera caught her gaze and it didn't lie, because the camera lens never lies". Maybe "rests"?

Susan, I just realised, I am scum; I have two chapters of yours, which I will do my very best to sit down with. It's going to be an insane week, though; writers group tomorrow, neuro Thursday, and an all-day lit festival with Ayelet Waldman and a couple of other people on Sunday.

Deb, no rush. I'm still working on the next chapter--of course, it'll probably be the longest one in all the book, but still. I've reached a point in this edit where it's going to be mostly new writing from here on out, with occasional chances to recycle a scene or a bit of dialogue. I hope I can really pull it off in the next month.

erika, I just read your piece--I should've before, but I can be a terrible wuss about lack of line breaks. I pretty much agree with the rest of the feedback, especially WRT to the flicking of mashed potatoes. Also, this may be just me, but I was pulled out of the narrative a bit by the Law & Order reference--I might make it something a little less specific. But again, that could be just me.

Also, this may be just me, but I was pulled out of the narrative a bit by the Law & Order reference--I might make it something a little less specific. But again, that could be just me.

Nope, I mentioned it too; the problem with too many pop culture references in a fictional piece is that they tend to draw the inner eye away from the story itself.

I approve of pop culture references!

But then again, I'm me.

I approve of pop culture references!

I don't mind them judiciously used, or when they have a specific reference to the story. Too many can seem shallow and self-indulgent. Not in erika's case, mind you - she generally does synch them up to the story she's telling quite nicely - but it's rather like taking a department store mannequin and putting three pairs of earrings and nine sweaters on it, and then sticking it in the window. What are you trying to convince the buyer to buy?

I want the story. Just tell me the story.

I changed to something like "Even cast changes on her favorite shows left her a little off-balance." Because that was the point I was going for, even though I, personally,as a L&O fan from way back, find it amusing that no homely women practice law in Fictional New York. But, yet on occasion they get to be judges.(And the whole McCoy/ rat husband analogy...but I only have 2500 words to work in and a deadline. Don't have time for Stupid Pop Culture Tricks, can't waste the words. Everything has to work.) Interesting point about the potato verb. Will rethink. I think the potatoes stay, but what happens to them might change. Kristin, good catch. Grandma cut hair till she was around 75. We spent a lot of time watching her give my mom perms and stuff...if I win I might be the only one to make that pay.(She was disappointed that Mom bagged beauty school and didn't follow her in it, so my story is like an AU that way, with my character having another Archetypal Boomer Name...Linda(my mom's name), Karen, and Cheryl being some I can think of off the top...oh, Donna.)

I changed to something like "Even cast changes on her favorite shows left her a little off-balance."

Yes! Perfect. It becomes about her, not about the show.

Post toasties: I liked that line, but one of the judges is from The Wire, yo. Have to represent. No weak-ass shit, as they say on the corners. Don't wanna be a punk. My fake hometown pride is at stake.:) I write pop-culture cause I think like that. Makes some of my writer friends nuts...one called it scary, how much Buffy I quote. And the Homicide...oy. I asked him "sexy-scary" or Rain Man scary...never found out which. And the irony of saying that while paraphrasing Stan Bolander has not escaped me.

I write pop-culture cause I think like that.

Me too. And sometimes they slip into my writing without my even thinking of them, and then I look at it and wonder if I should bother explaining it or not. Cause it ruins the moment if you have to clarify what you're making reference to. As long as it makes sense in context, I guess it's all right, and the informed reader merely derives an extra level of pleasure.

And another way to satisfy the jones is to make your characters actually discuss it in a relevant way. I have this scene in the death story set in a comic book store I really enjoy.

(writer lady with iron glove over here)

Yes, my loves, and it is fun, and very often fun to read.

But as said above, when writing it, you have the responsibility first to the story you're trying to tell. And there's an inherent problem with any pop culture: in a few years, it's obsolete.

What happens to fiction entirely based on ephemera? It disappears, along with the sources.