Suan, this is a great essay -- very frank, very informative, with plenty of emotion. My only suggestion is to think about the last sentence. After all you went through, and how well Annabel is doing, the end sounds negative to me, like, "Well, it's not really what we wanted, but it isn't killing us." I know exactly what you mean by it, but I would emphasize the positive aspect of it, as in, parenting always requires mean adaptation, but also (maybe) that the ideal is a happy mom and a thriving kid?

OK, how's this for a new ending paragraph?

So I forgave myself. I’m not sure I’m completely at peace yet—it’s a hard thing to fail to live up to a long-cherished ideal—but I forgave myself. Looking back on those first weeks is still enough to fill me with exhaustion and horror, but today my daughter is beautiful, smart, and healthy. She’s a joy to be around, and I must’ve done something right. And I’m learning that even things that don’t turn out the way I planned as a parent can still turn out right.

I'm staying out of this one, since my own issues with the repietition of "fail" and "guilt" as constant themes in this sort of essay would get in the way of rational editing.

But I will ask why on earth you have to emphasise that you are a Seattle mother. It read as if you thought Seattle was the last bastion of progressive motherhood.

I keep wanting to rewrite your essay in true-confession form, Susan.

"My daughter was starving to death...and it was my fault."

But seriously. I'd like a sentence about what being tongue-tied is and why it affects nursing. I also agree that the last sentence needs to be more positive--something like "I know I'm doing the best thing for my daughter and myself."

Because I'm submitting it to a Seattle magazine, deb. If I was going for a national market, it wouldn't be in there.

And I’m learning that even things that don’t turn out the way I planned as a parent can still turn out right.

Again, this could be tighter and would be more powerful so.

And I'm learning that even things that don't turn out the way I planned can turn out right.

Oh, DUH, deb. OK, scratch the Seattle question.

Thanks, Betsy and Ginger. I changed the last sentence and included a brief clause on the tongue tie thing.

Susan, that's better, but I would take Betsy's advice on the one final edit of the last sentence. But...do you "think" you "must have" done something right, or do you know? (I think you know, deep down, but this is your essay.) I don't want to make this rah-rah positive if that's not where you're going (and I know it's a personal essay, and a very personal subject), but I have my own issues about this (coming from where you did, and getting over those issues in a major way), so I might not be completely rational here.

I also agree with Ginger -- what's tongue-tie? I was tempted to look it up, but I'm too tired and lazy today.

Oops. Too late. Sorry. I'm working at half speed today. I think I'm coming down with something.

Tongue tie is when the little membrane attaching your tongue to the base of your mouth is restricting the tongue's range of motion too much. As such, it weakens a baby's suck, and in severe cases can cause speech impediments, though Annabel's is mild and seems to be resolving nicely on its own. (The essay explanation is shorter than that.)