I got wonderful feedback, that I really needed, and appreciate. What I'm looking for now, is how this made you feel. Is it boring? Does it make you want to read more? Did it make you laugh? That sort of thing.

Allyson, the problem for me is that, already knowing the story, and the people, and in fact, having been involved with this particular matter and this particular move cross-country (we charted the route and stored her belongings), it's hard to pull out into emotional separation of any kind. That is to say, since I was busy offering to fly to Michigan and beat the shit out the other players involved, what it raises in me is memories.

So, for a genuine answer and a good emotional gauge? I'd want to see another essay, detailing someone or something I wasn't personally involved or invested in at the time.

But certainly not boring, and yes, I would absolutely read more. I felt this essay was a good Chapter One starting point, a great jumping-off place; that should indicate that I wanted a Chapter Two.

Allyson: You have more?? Put in in. It was just a taste and left me curious. How did you manage to get along? What happened when you didn't? What were you escaping from and why and how and when? And just what is it about that message board that was compelling to either of you?

The last one, I can answer for myself, but I'm thinking the generic Reader should perceive the tidal pull of the Buffista Vortex.

It's not about Buffistas. This is an introduction to a collection of essays on my life in internet fandom. Specifically, My Life with the Crazy Vampire People.

And there's very little about Buffistas.org within it. There's the Bronze, and some private boards, and TableTalk, and...you get the picture.

What I'd like to get across through the collection isn't the why of it, but that these acts of insanity, generosity, love and friendship all came to me via internet fandom communities.

Some essays are about crossing the fan barrier, my friendships with Fury and Tim et al that I never talk about on boards.

I don't know "why" any of this stuff happened to me, why ita trusted me, why...a lot of things I'm still nervous to post about happened.

I just know that they did happen. The why of it, as I'm learning, is something I can't figure out, at all.

The exploration of the "why" sounds like a fascinating thread to run through the essays. I find that for them to draw me in, essays need to do more than recount facts, no matter how articulately or humorously they do so--they need to be doing something else, even if the something else isn't that obvious. Sounds like you are already doing that here, Allyson, which is very intriguing. And I'm not saying you have to draw conclusions--just that the exploration itself is another layer to the pieces.

That was one of my questions: the basic theme. I find that usually declares itself as the writer goes along, and the writer tends to find out as much putting it all down and together as the reader does.

It's a good thing.

Well, with ita, the why is that ita's experience matched mine, I wanted to help her in the way that someone else helped me.

Why I believed what ita was saying, that she was worthy of help, that she wouldn't hurt me in any way, I don't know. I just knew that ita was special and honest and deserving of a chance to start a new life.

I don't know why Tim sent me a thousand dollars (trusting that I would use it as intended for Nilly), or confides in me. I don't know why I was different from a thousand other fans to Fury, or Chris, or Tim, or anyone else I spoke with all the time.

I don't know why people who obviously dislike me, or know little about me will send me $100 to accomplish a task, trusting that it will all be alright.

There's a thousand other "why" questions that I've no answer to. Maybe whatever it is about me that makes other people trust me, like me, or believe in me will be evident to the reader?

Do I need to think more about "why" or should I just continue writing along?

Just keep writing.

Do I need to think more about "why" or should I just continue writing along?

Continue to write. Unless and until you get an itch that demands definition - if that question of why declares itself in your own head - then I'm damned if I see why it ought to get into the way of the experience you're sharing here.

For what it's worth, the first time I met ita F2F, I was picking her up at SFO. Her plane got in at half past two in the morning; I took her home with me, she spent that night at our place alone. Next night, she shared our guest room with Dana; the following night with Penny B. It's never once occurred to me to ask why, and I still don't much care. The fact is sufficient unto itself, which is why I can still open my doors to people I've never met (and, even more extraordinarily to me, Nic does the same).

But I'd say, go ahead and just tell the stories. The answers may well come out before you ever get around to asking. And the why may not be important anyway, and it certainly won't be the same for any of your readers.

Just write it, I think.

Don't think about the why. As you write, it will become apparent. But ferreting it out ahead of time and writing to that is going to force your perspective, make it lean to conform to the why. And what you want is for the why to emerge, as a thread the reader follows, through the whole.

Did that make sense?