I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship.

River ,'Objects In Space'


The Great Write Way  

A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.


Alibelle - Jan 24, 2003 1:38:00 pm PST #551 of 10001
Apart from sports, "my secret favorite thing on earth is ketchup. I will put ketchup on anything. But it has to be Heinz." - my husband, Michael Vartan

I find that I get a lot of ideas and inspirations just from the simple act of running things by my friends. They don't even have to say anything. Just the act of physically having someone else in the room really helps me. I don't know why.


Liese S. - Jan 25, 2003 11:05:45 pm PST #552 of 10001
"Faded like the lilac, he thought."

I did a lot of writing for a text-based rpg, so I tend to be all about the senses. Sometimes so much so that it sounds like they're being experimented on. And does it feel damp there? And how loud is that in your ear? Uh-huh, and it smells musty? Round and round.

But I learned a good deal by having to write an environment where someone had to live. To feel immersed enough to roleplay.


Theodosia - Jan 26, 2003 5:32:57 am PST #553 of 10001
'we all walk this earth feeling we are frauds. The trick is to be grateful and hope the caper doesn't end any time soon"

Was a lot of that in second person? Doing that smoothly is a real feat.


Susan W. - Jan 26, 2003 3:58:11 pm PST #554 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights

As an inaugural effort toward my goal of becoming a freelance writer, I'm drafting an essay for the "Alumni Voices" column of my university's alumni magazine. It's a personal experience thing, and I've seen everything from the trials of raising an autistic child to being involved in grassroots peace efforts in the Middle East. How do the paragraphs below sound for an opener? Would you want to read the rest? Is it clear, and does it flow well?
------

When I got my acceptance letter from Penn back in 1989, I thought my future was made. I dreamed of attending my ten-year high school reunion as a rich and successful stockbroker driving a Jaguar or a Mercedes, with an equally accomplished husband and maybe a cute baby to show off. When I graduated magna cum laude from Wharton in 1993, I was still optimistic. The sole job offer I had received wasn’t what I’d hoped for—I was scheduled to start June 1 as an administrative assistant to an attorney—but I saw it as very temporary, a way to pay the bills until I could move on to more interesting and prestigious things.

Ten years have passed. I have yet to hold a job that I couldn’t have done just as well if I’d gone to an in-state junior college like so many of my high school classmates. I don’t regret my Penn education for a moment, not even when the monthly student loan bill shows up, but I sometimes think Penn must regret educating me. By most measures my adult life thus far has been a failure. I’m only now beginning to figure out what I really want to do, how to translate my youthful raw ability into mature happiness and success. And I still look back at my work history and wonder how someone who looked so promising, who is even now talked about as one of the smartest kids ever to come out of Shelby County High School, could go so badly wrong.


Beverly - Jan 26, 2003 4:25:02 pm PST #555 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.

Susan, it does flow well. However, if you'd like the reader to want to know more, I wouldn't use the terms, " my adult life thus far has been a failure(italics mine)" and "could go so badly wrong".

I understand you're speaking to not living up to what was once percieved as your potential, but it sounds more that you're feeling sorry for yourself, and that's a fast way to lose readers. I'm sure you can convey that life has dealt you a curve in much more interesting and humorous terms. You're very witty, let that show.


Beverly - Jan 26, 2003 4:33:26 pm PST #556 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.

For example:

but I sometimes think Penn must ((might)) regret ((having)) educat((ed))ing me. By most ((many)) measures my adult life thus far has ((veered from the expected path)) been a failure. I’m only now beginning to figure out what I really want to do, how to translate my youthful raw ability into mature happiness and success. And I still look back at my work history and wonder how someone who looked so promising, who is even now talked about as one of the smartest kids ever to come out of Shelby County High School, could go so badly wrong ((wander so far)).

Sounds more positive, uses humor, and offers some hope of redemption from eventual and utter failure.

Just how I read those opening two paras.


Susan W. - Jan 26, 2003 4:37:23 pm PST #557 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights

Beverly, would this be an improvement?

Ten years have passed. I have yet to hold a job that I couldn’t have done just as well if I’d gone to an in-state junior college like so many of my high school classmates. If I published the biography of my life thus far, I’d have to call it I Was an Ivy League Secretary. I don’t regret my Penn education for a moment, not even when the monthly student loan bill shows up, but I sometimes think Penn must regret educating me. I’m only now beginning to figure out what I really want to do, how to translate my youthful raw ability into mature happiness and success. And I still look back at my work history and wonder how someone who I recently learned is talked about as one of the smartest kids ever to come out of Shelby County High School ended up where I am now.


Beverly - Jan 26, 2003 4:39:19 pm PST #558 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.

YES!!

I was piddling with HTML, and you went and were brilliant in the meantime. That's loads better.


Susan W. - Jan 26, 2003 4:50:42 pm PST #559 of 10001
Good Trouble and Righteous Fights

Heh. DH criticized that version as "still too whiny for an alumni magazine," so this is the third try:

Ten years have passed. I have yet to hold a job that actually uses my elite education. If I published the biography of my life thus far, I’d have to call it I Was an Ivy League Secretary. I don’t regret going to Penn for a moment, not even when the monthly student loan bill shows up, but I sometimes think Penn must regret educating me. I’ve taken a strange path, from valedictorian of my high school class through four years on the Dean’s List at Penn to “ten years of increasingly responsible administrative experience.” I’m only now beginning to figure out what I really want to do, how to translate my youthful raw ability into mature happiness and success. And now that I’m starting to find my path, I spend a lot of time reflecting on how I got so lost in a career wilderness.

It's quite a challenge. I'm doing this as a way of facing all the bad choices I made and trying to exorcise the demons by transforming them into My First Sale, hopefully accompanied by a nice zaftig check I can use to start my business account for W------- Communications. But y'all are right that wallowing in the sense of failure won't help it sell.


Beverly - Jan 26, 2003 4:59:03 pm PST #560 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.

Yes, still better. I think I'd do something with the last sentence, though. "starting to find my path" just reiterates the previous sentence, and nobody whose life is chock full of to-do wants to read that you "spend a lot of time reflecting" on anything, IMO. "I do wonder how I got so lost", etc., would do it, I should think.