For future reference on writing letters of recommendation:

If you cannot provide a positive recommendation in support of the individual’s candidacy, please decline to write a letter or to serve as a reference. Provide information to the individual as to why you have declined to serve as a reference.

First, when student asks for letter, understand what is being asked of you. What is the letter for? What does the student expect from you? Carefully consider whether you feel that you can write a positive letter. If you feel that you cannot wholeheartedly recommend the student, it’s your ethical responsibility to inform him or her that you’re not the right person for the job.

Well, it seemed like Kat did write a pos rec -- just not as pos as the kid wanted.

Kat, explain that you only revise rec letters if they contain inaccurate info. Otherwise, it's your policy of one letter, one try.

Or you could be totally honest: tell her you like her and she is a fine student, but that this school has extremely high academic expectations, and with her present skill set, you do not believe she would flousih in this environment. If she is in your classes, you can tell her you will reassess her skill level and be willing to write a rec letter at the end of the year if she has attained the skills necessary to thrive.

It's a toughie.

The only thing I can think of, short of honesty or an unexplained no, is if you have any weasel room on whether you are qualified to comment on whether she meets the requirements specifically.

Also, how weird on them sending the letter back to her. I mean, I can see why a kindly administrator might, but it just seems set up wrong.

I'm sorry, I guess the rec letter is touching a nerve since I just went through the graduate school application process. The thought of someone who didn't believe in me writing me a lackluster letter just fills me with dread. Fortunately, mine were good and I got in. While I know it would be horrendous to have to tell someone that you can't write the letter, it's better for her/him to know up front. Then s/he can do a bit of soul-searching to see if s/he truly feels s/he has what it takes, and/or try to find someone else that does believe s/he has what it takes. And if s/he can't find that other someone, then it's time to face the hard facts.

I agree with GC -- one of my recommenders for my first shot at grad school was notorious for agreeing to recommend, I dunno, random bums he encountered on the street, and then sending in letters that said little more than "Ms. so-and-so has an adequate grasp of the English language." Since I didn't know this about him until after a bunch of rejections, I'd really rather he'd said, "look, I think you should ask someone else."

As for the school telling the student that it was because of your rec, though, I'm shocked. If they want to give her an opening to resubmit her application (or even if they just liked her enough to let her down easy rather than giving her an unalloyed "no"), they can easily say "these are the areas you need to focus on for next time" or "maybe if you got an additional letter from someone who can specifically address XYZ"... not "Ms. Kat said you weren't good enough", which isn't so much kindly as, well, buck-passing.

how do I find info for the Sherman Oaks Krav center?

By asking me, or going to http://www.kravmaga-shermanoaks.com/. What info do you need?

Hivemind question: Anyone have any suggestions for a relatively inexpensive hotel near the conference center in Monterey? It looks like I may be going there to a conference in October. There are two conference hotels, the Portola Plaza Hotel and the Marriott Monterey, but they are OMG expensive. If I end up one of them, it's probably ok, but I think my odds of getting the travel approved might be greater if I could find someplace closer to $100 than $200.

xpost with Bitches.

Last time I was in Monterey I stayed at the La Quinta for around $100/night. It's a long walk (lie, a couple of hours, at least at my walking speed) to downtown, but I think it's on or near the tram line.

They're so cute, and they match a new outfit I got there perfectly (brown A-line skirt and plum t-shirt), and I ended up wearing it to officiate at my brother's wedding omg.

OMG is right. It sounds like a great and difficult trip. Is it actually a Chinese curse to say "may you live in interesting times"? Because it sounds like an interesting trip.

Kat, it sounds like you did what you could, and it sounds like the people at the school suck if they said she didn't get in because of your letter.

I am full of free food and wine and still got home in time to get my eyebrows waxed! AWESOME.

I'm in 3" heels, a skirt past my ankles, and I have a gimpy hand. I also have a flat tyre and am waiting in a gas station parking lot for AAA. Oh, and missing the class for which I just created a lesson plan.