sumi, a world of yes to your last point.

So, work is not enough to distract me from the current local news, and therefore I'm looking for other distractions. Thanks to Kristen (who, did I ever mention it already? rocks, and also the new design of her site is very lovely and elegant), I read the script for Loneliest Number instead. And then I rambled.

Oh, I loved how we saw all the images that were supposed to show us, in the clearest way possible, that it's a suicide, followed by both Rebecca and Paul asserting that, only to end with Web notifying that it's a murder. I mean, what was it that we didn't see, when we saw the whole bath-preparation at the beginning? How come he knows about it, too, come to think of it? And why wouldn't he share that information, too, in order to help Paul and Rebecca solve the case he had just handed them?

I was just about to write how I like the air of easy-going-ness (if that's a word), of sharing stuff, even if only a familiarity with a place to eat, of knowing each other and what the person in front of you prefers and how to make them smile or grunt, when Rebecca, noticing just that, had the exact opposite response, poor broken girl, and left the diner awkwardly. Poor girl.

So this episode is about being alone, about isolating oneself from the people around you, right? I mean, Rebecca cut herself from the group, who very naturally included her in their dinner, and the first victim tried to commit suicide on her own, several times, before she was murdered, so the focus is, in a way, on what a person does to himself, and what is being done to them by others. Oh, and only now I've noticed the name of the episode, "Loneliest Number", one, alone. Huh.

"His resistance worn down, he listens to a call, is he trying not to cry?" - reading descriptions like this make me really truly wish I could watch the show. I'm glad that I at least know a bit of Danny's actor, enough to try and imagine how he may look like, feeling like this. And even only imagining it is breaking my heart.

And him, to be the one most touched of all. Obviously not Rebecca, who - just like she was told earlier - shuts herself up and away from things. Not Mel who uses humor as her defence, not Paul who is too much involved in life - marriage, a pregnant wife - to wallow in these sad stories. Danny, the quick-to-want-to-shoot not-really-all-a-thug.

Oh, and if it's one of the crisis center's people who committed those murders, then the very act of reaching out, of trying to find help somewhere, to not retreat inside, is what hurt the victims most of all. I guess the secret, then, is in finding the balance, in a way. Is that what it's about? Because that's something that Rebecca definitely doesn't know yet, isn't it?

So, of course, Web puts Rebecca, who struggles with the same issues - the victims had no social close relationships - at the front line, calling the possibly-murderer. It's like he's taking everything and makes it sharper, more drawn out, so that the person has no choice but to deal with it.

Oh, and I'm really curious as to how the phone conversation between Rebecca and Gary was shot. The description was chilling, with the way her face was masked by the receiver, the shadows, her hair, and Paul's face was exposed and emotional, and Gary's weren't there at all. How the voices, both of them, told a lie - Rebecca wasn't really freaking out and cracking, if Gary really is the killer, then he wasn't honestly interested in helping her. Only Paul, silent and not taking place in the conversation, was emotionally honest.

It seems like Rebecca completely disassociates herself from that role she plays, as if the emotions that rang in her voice on the phone never came from her, as if these are two different people. Just like she tried to cut all external connections to Becky, the little girl she was when she was kidnapped. It seems like something she keeps trying to do. Web probably realizes this, too. Otherwise, would he risk her that much? Losing her to an emotional turmoil or even worse, so early in recruiting her?

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Paul seems completely inside whatever it is he investigates, though. The complete opposite, in a way. And where does that put Web? Obviously, especially in this case, there is some emotions surfing - a daughter of a friend - and he doesn't hesitate to exploit any emotion of anybody else for his own ends. But realizing there are there, which way to turn with them - is that a logical thing on his part, or emotional, in a way, as well? And how far is he willing to go?

I loved the simplicity of the code word - just "help", nothing sophisticated or on-its-head. In all the lies and the masks and the hiding of emotions by pretending to have those emotions over having none at all, its small simple presence has a nice ring to it.

OK, so Web made Rebecca insecure with his remark about how she may not be convincing enough in a face-to-face acting in front of that man. But in a way, saying that, leaving her without Paul's trust in her abilities - because of his worry - and now without Web's, apparently, leaving her really alone, is what just may make her act not so much an act but an actual emotion - she's cut from the both of them.

And he talked about it in the professional level, not the emotional one - the level in which, it seems, Rebecca feels the most secure (like the way she tricked the manager of the crisis center), not "just" an emotional place. Did I mention already how much I'm fascinated by Web? Oh, and will it make her connect now to the real source of her problems, not the made-up one, in order to play it real, when she has to? Is that something he wants for her, too?

So Rebecca didn't want to hang out at a diner with her co-workers, but work instead, and that brought her into another diner, with pretty much the same number of people, and now she has to socialize with them in order to try and solve the murder case, to do her job.

And, yup, that's where she goes - telling the emotional truth of her own life, in order to lie to those people who may lead her to solve the case. Lying in order to tell the truth, being truthful in order to perfect the lie, a bit of both, all mixed up. And how much does it cost her, to tell that? Knowing full well that everybody back at the van hears her, too.

Oh, and it's silly that I think about it, I guess, but now, after this, she won't have to tell anything to Mel and Danny to their faces. They'll already know, because they heard it in such a round-about way. So much distance being put, and in the end, it gets her closer. So much effort in focusing on the job, but it only turns her back to the emotional dark place she's trying to avoid. How practical of her.

"I guess it doesn't matter how many you trust, just if you pick the right ones" - and Mel just clearly puts what I've been trying to phrase all throughout now. Thanks, Mel! You can't bear it all alone, and you can't just share it with whomever comes along, but somewhere in the middle there has to be something, right? Oh, my, I'm *such* a cheesy sap.

And now Paul puts what I was trying to figure out earlier in focus, too, with his analysis of Rebecca and how she treated the victims, her contempt for them. These are the parts I regret most that I can't watch - the emotional content in those conversations. I wonder how they carried them off. Also, I like Paul. I like it that he worries about the people around him, that he's not shielded, yet it doesn't stop him from trying to see things as clearly as possible.

And I loved it that Paul found the point in which he could compare Rebecca to the victims, despite the opposite manners of tackling difficulties. And again, it wasn't in the emotional place, but in the professional one - she isolates herself, doesn't cooperates in trying to solve the case. There was a weakness in her, even if only by refusing to have, to admit having, another one.

This time, I can understand easier how come, after what Paul said, Rebecca probably had to prove herself, on her own, without anybody's help, and just had to run out alone - yet again - to a potential killer's place (oh, but - how come she thought it was Amos?). It fits the whole point of the story - her strength and self-assurance is what makes her weak, in the end.

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Oh, my. The whole segment after that - I just read it in one big gulp, not stopping to even see if I have a thought about what I've read. I mean, obviously I knew that Rebecca would be saved, and that it would be by the other three, that she would need them in order to succeed in this mission, that this was the whole point of the story. It wasn't that which kept me so tense throughout the pages. It was wondering what emotional effect - finally, emotional - would all this have on Rebecca.

Hearing her own voice, her own words, her lies, her pretended weakness, now that she was in what was probably the weakest situation in her life. Weaker even than how she'd been as a kidnapped little girl. Then she could do something, she managed to do something, she had her strength and resourcefulness to lean on, to rescue her. But now - she was completely helpless. She couldn't move a muscle, make any sort of response. She finally, at least, was made to identify with those victims that she despised, to be stripped of all her strength, all that kept her alive and active after her kidnapping.

Everything should be different from now, right? She lost the power that she relied on, she got a bigger source of power, the companion and help of Paul, Mel and Danny, who charged as one, without any hesitation, to her help. Will she be able to trust it? To actually lean on it? Because that's the only thing she has left, isn't it? Without it, she really may turn to that lie she had just heard herself telling, of how there's nothing for her in the world. Poor girl.

And the one who sends her out, back to the other people, staying alone in the shadows (oh, boy, I sound horrible, don't I?) is Web. Of all people, Web. The one who pushed her all out earlier. And in a strange and twisted way, this whole affair may be even beneficial to Rebecca - maybe she had to hit such a bottom before she could let herself be strong enough to admit that she's weak, that she is human, that she needs help. And Web - and, being Web, I can't avoid guessing whether he had realized it before the whole game began - directed her through that horrible path.

And only for him to be the one person in all the unit to whom she doesn't turn, who isn't sitting and eating with all the rest. Did I mention already that his character is absolutely fascinating?

And in that situation, of reaching out and trying to connect to people, in admitting that weakness, Rebecca, again, shows an amazing strength - because it's so difficult for her, poor girl. And she manages to accomplish that, too. Sigh. I'm such a sap.

And now, frankly, I can't wait to read the next one - I'm willing to bet that there's continuity, that the difference in Rebecca from this episode will show later one (yes, even with the confused order of the episodes. Not everything has to happen right in the next one).

RS:SN: Wow, all three of those people gave their best performance of the show tonight. Nice of them to make it really difficult for SN to make their decision. I must say that if Zayera had THAT performance up her sleeve why the hell didn't she do that on Performance night ? And I am VERY pleased that Chris is gone. Of the three performances, I must say that I liked Zayera's the best and I REALLY wouldn't have expected that.

Thank you, Nilly. I wish you could have seen the shows too.

Tim??

Nilly -- always a pleasure! I've been thinking about you and holding good thoughts for you based on recent events in your part of the world. I know I'm not alone here -- not by a long shot -- in wishing safety for you and your family.

What Tim said. Oh my, what Tim said.

Has anyone heard from Allyson lately? What with the landlord not maintaining her apartment to minimum habitablity it is hard not to worry a bit - even though I know she has enough other stuff going on that it is surprising she makes time to post here at all.

she's alive and well!