Thank you ALL for the birthday wishes. Today has been wonderful. Even the iron treatment went well.

I appreciate each of you for putting up with my fussing and whining. I know it has been a tough year and I've come here to complain about all the drama. Having people here to talk to has helped keep me sane and I love each and every one of you.

It would take me a year to get into a program, a year to do it, four years of medical school... I'd start my residency at 41 or so.

You're going to be 41 eventually anyway. You'll either be starting your residency or doing something else. Follow your heart, that's what I say.

Suzi - good on DH for listening. I won't even try to tell you to act like you don't like it just to get even with him for Christmas. He done good.

I was so shocked when I opened the present, there was no way I could have faked a reaction. I was speechless.

Maidengurl, have you had enough magnet jokes yet? Because I'm picturing those letter ones spelling HAPPY BIRTHDAY on you and its cracking me up.

Yes, I'll hit forty (and more) regardless (g-d willing). This is a weird whim, we'll see if it lasts.

And I really really REALLY don't want punctuation of any sort, because while I appreciate the thought behind it, I'm really hating myself and can't even handle anyone being nice to me right now.

How about distractions? World's dumbest fairy penguin! Hey, when I mentioned I was planning to visit America later this year, I called for city pimpage! How come there was no Cincinnati pimpage? Hey, remind me, that jealousy-inducing wine-tasting zoo thing you're doing, there were other times in the year, weren't there? t threadsucks Ah, yes, it's doing Australia on August 10. How about that?

Ok, this has to be taken in the right spirit, but the thing that really did the most for my own feelings of self-loathing was getting divorced. As so many people here know, Bec is one of my favouritest people ever, but she had a lot of trauma to cope with, and living with her really did a number on my personal image.

But I wholeheartedly endorse JZ's take on all this. I spent a couple of years learning how to talk myself up when Captain Negativity grabbed the wheel, and jeez it's hard. I remember sitting in our therapists's office and having her suggest to me that I try telling Bec "If you want to leave, it's your loss, toots", and being barely able to get through it, let alone sound like I remotely believed it.

Sometimes I look at Hec and his robust ego and placid neurochemistry, and I want to throttle him, or the universe.

And I bet it'd help you feel better! Um. Not that I would encourage you to visit throttly death on your nearest and dearest. Maybe just a Hec-doll or something.

I got into a bad self-punishment loop when I tried to silence the voices altogether; every time they yipped at me, I felt worse for not being strong enough to muffle them, which just proved how right they were after all about me, which just made them crow with triumph, which made me feel even worse and more self-defeated, which made them louder, etc. ad infinitem.

Oh, one thing I do particularly recommend, and I'm sure many people here have come across it (I know vw has), is cognitive behavioural therapy. It's very much about managing the internal monologues.

I'm on this quest for meaning in my life.

Check behind the sofa. Then, listen to Air Supply lyrics, that should help. "I'm found my purpose. It's to hunt down and beat the living crap out of two easy listening Australians."

This may be ENTIRELY because I read somewhere I was too old to be one.

An admin bod here is leaving today to go study medicine. It's all very impressive. (And my brain keeps saying "but she's young! And tiny! Are doctors allowed to be young and tiny?")

Go away, bug bites!

At some point during this day, something happened that made me go, "Wow, I'd can't wait to post that in Bitches!" But of course, memory like a sieve, and I've forgotten it now.

I believe I will face the refridgerator of stinky doom tomorrow.

I appreciate each of you for putting up with my fussing and whining. I know it has been a tough year and I've come here to complain about all the drama. Having people here to talk to has helped keep me sane and I love each and every one of you.

I'm hungry and my cupboards are rather bare.

Now I'm picturing JZ dragging Hec down the stairs like that old Homicide couple, pelting him with CDs and saying "Die, you bastard, die!" Cracks me up. It wouldn't if you did it, though, JZ.

t pimps NP idea again.

PitA to look for funding programs, though

NP idea?