Hi Nilly!

Well, I have to say I'd prefer the framed way your peeps do it to the flaky way most Americans handle it. I didn't date until late in life (I'm a pretty late bloomer that way). I did the online dating thing for some time and it was nearly across the board an experience of flakery.

I haven't dated in quite some time now. I don't actively seek it and I'm not enough of a looker to automatically attract invitations to date. At some point I'll need to figure out how I meet people, then. Most people at my work are cocooned with their S.O. I don't go to school. I've got pretty bad people-meeting skills. For instance, I was thinking about how many Buffistas IM each other, call each other, etc. There are boards where I've been a regular poster for a really long time and I can only think of 2 people I've ever been able to make that leap with. I'm always afraid to ask for anyone's contact info because I'm afraid they'll think I'm prying.

Boy, I'm grateful to be married. Having an instant partner/back-up is terrific. For example, I realized half an hour ago that I'd left my debit card in an ATM at a grocery store last night, so I could call Hubby and say, "I have to get back to work! Can you call around and see where it is and call the bank if you have to?" "Right." (The bank has already cut it up, standard procedure if non-customer cards get left in their machine, but that's way better than it being in some gangsta's hip pocket. That bank's ATMs automatically swallow cards if they're left hanging in the slot to be picked up for too long. Very comforting.)

Spouses are handy.

we can have a not care off.

I can beat you all!

Last date I had, um, a long time ago, is someone who I still see frequently at social and work events. It wasn't at all weird to see him a week after the um-no-more last date.

I don't get all that human interpersonal relationship stuff. I may be maladjusted, but I freely admit to it and can live with it. If I'm not interested enough to be interested, I'm just not going to make any effort whatsoever.

I can't remember the last time I went on a date that I knew was a date. I do have some bitter memories of bait and switches where the guy either during or afterwards revealed he was thinking of it as a date, despite us having explicitly said it wouldn't be one.

If we can't establish if a second date would be welcome while on the date

You're just shifting where the information exchange takes place.

So how common is it for people to say "meh, why bother?" to the whole looking-for-somebody thing?

If we can't establish if a second date would be welcome while on the date, then the only reason for a phone call is to ask me out again. Really no reason to call and say your not interested for any reason.

Of course, but haven't you ever had it established on one date that a subsequent date would be welcome (by both of you) only to have it never occur? The phone call would be preferable, to me. I never needed a reason. A distinct lack of "I'll call you," or "We should get together this weekend," while on the date, would have sufficed. If "I'll call you" was said in haste or error, an end to the stringing along also would have sufficed.

There was one blind date, where we were both quite certain after a not-really-pleasant hour, that it's completely not working. He said it, I agreed with him, and we ended up spending an hour later in chatting and whining about dating. It was the most pleasant hour-in-a-date I've had in a long time.

The fun came in once the pressure was off.

For instance, I was thinking about how many Buffistas IM each other, call each other, etc. There are boards where I've been a regular poster for a really long time and I can only think of 2 people I've ever been able to make that leap with. I'm always afraid to ask for anyone's contact info because I'm afraid they'll think I'm prying.

It's a hard line to walk. I figure here, people who really don't want to be contacted will opt for their addresses to not be available from their profile.

You're just shifting where the information exchange takes place.

The best of that isn't a conversation, though. After a just-okay first date (and most of mine have been from online dating, so blind), a hand shake and "nice meeting you" or whatever is clear enough.

After a just-okay first date (and most of mine have been from online dating, so blind), a hand shake and "nice meeting you" or whatever is clear enough.

What do you do after the second date? Or the fourth?

You're just shifting where the information exchange takes place.

yep. if we can't read each other or say what we mean in casual - having a conversation - ways and need to have a phone call to then clarify or formally establish interest or intent, then I want no part of it. so not natural for me.

What next an engraved invitation when sex is desired?

There was a guy I was messing around with in college. It was heading toward sex and he kept asking me over and over and over if I was sure and really sure and did I want to do this and eventually I had enough and walked away, cause either he wasn't sure or was too mamby pamby for me.

I can't remember the last time I went on a date that I knew was a date.

So, again, I guess, the more "framed" way of things can help here, at least to minimize the bitter.

However, it prevents in way more cases than not the possibility of anything other than a blind-date, which is by definition awkward, uncomfortable and an artificial way to meet a new person. Ups and downs to everything, I guess.

So how common is it for people to say "meh, why bother?" to the whole looking-for-somebody thing?

Again, I'm probably looking at this whole subject through different glasses than almost every other person who posts here (well, yeah, my actual glasses are right on my nose and not across the ocean), but since the society I live in puts such an emphasis on finding an SO (and later having a family), it's considered nearly not-an-option to not bother.

However, I've seen friends of mine, who are just tired of the whole process, take breaks, long breaks, from looking. I've never dared to (of course, I had been forced to have breaks, when I was dateless, but I didn't actively choose not to date).

The fun came in once the pressure was off.

I'm not sure that was it. I think he wanted to check the truth behind some of the "myths about girls" that he's heard over the years. It was funny. Also, trying to see him find nice and polite ways to tell me that I'm complicated and difficult. He ended up saying things like "a high soul", whatever that means. I just liked seeing things through the "other side"'s eyes, I guess.