I'd feel better about this whole going back to work thing if I could actually foresee myself getting a chance to relax any time in the next 5-10 years.

Hell, I don't have this now and I don't even have kids. I'm working 7 days a week all this month, and nothing really shorter than a 10 or 12 hour day. Since friday I haven't even been home and I only got 3 hours of sleep the night before that.

I'd love a vacation, however it's not gonna happen. As it is I finally got health insurance for the first time in forever a few months ago, and if I don't get enough work on union contracts I'll lose it again. As long as I can remember it's been about getting enough contracts to pay the rent. It's how I've had to live just to be a freelancer. Read a book for pleasure? I do it, but the only way that I do is by making the choice to get less sleep.

Ugh. Back problems acting up again. Fairly sizable quantities of aspirin did nothing. I've learned through trial and painful error that other painkillers, even the hard core prescriptions, do jack for my back pain, but dollar store aspirin mostly does the trick. Not this time. Hot bath - nothing. Sports cream all over - zip.

Glass of red wine (The Little Penguin shiraz, DX), and I'm feeling fine.

That doesn't mean I'm going to stop at the one. I really don't think I can take that risk.

You will find your own way to have your down time. Mostly I only get it in tiny increments.

DH is probably right in saying it won't be that much more stressful once I get back into the rhythm of things than it was when I was working full-time pre-Annabel. We're going to try to have her in bed by 8:00, which will give me three hours most evenings between her bedtime and mine.

Part of my stress is just over the timing. If they'd let me start the 21st or the 28th, I wouldn't feel half so overwhelmed. I could get the house straightened up a bit, take some days to spend Annabel's naptime doing nothing but reading for fun, etc. But as is, I'd been pushing myself hard to get the manuscript out the door and letting the house descend into chaos while I did it. So it's going from stress to stress, and with the house at a point where just looking at it gives me more stress. Maybe I need to go back on the FlyLady program until the house is only a moderate disaster area. And maybe once our finances have settled down a bit, we should price a maid service.

Gronk. Howdy.

Went to my healer today - she's actually my masseuse, but she also talks to my spirit guides and does energy work (and now we're going to go for full-on woo, so skeptics, be warned). She said a lot of wonderful and very positive things, like once I hit SF, my mourning period will be a lot shorter than I think. Also, that I'm really going to come into my own, but I need to sit and meditate on exactly what I'd like to be doing once I get there, because my guides want to give me what I want and need, but I need to know what I'm going for.

After that, I came home and slept for 3 hours. I've been playing on the computer since I got back up, and now I might go to sleep.

So. A pretty good day.

That sounds like excellent advice, j, wherever she's getting her inspiration from. Yay for good days, especially when you need and deserve them so much.

J, I'm one of the least woowoo-ey people around, and I agree with every word.

Well, Woo's my middle name so I say Woo & Hoo! Staying focused on the future sounds like the best plan.

Very good woo, juliana. I'ma agree with everything she said. And I'm not big on pitching woo.

And it feels like I'll never, ever get the chance to just curl up with a book for the fun of it again ever in my life. At least not till I'm very, very old.

It won't be that long. First, as you note, you'll have that time between 8-11 to yourself. (That's when I wrote the first book. Also at lunchtime at work.) And as Laura notes kids get more independent as they get older and don't need the constant engagement.

Yay for pretty good days, Juliana!

I think I need to start making lists and plans so I can feel a bit more in control of things. Lists/plans can be dangerous for me when I expect too much of myself and then get frustrated over falling short, but OTOH I need them at times like this when I look at my life and am overwhelmed by the sheer number of things that need to happen. If I start writing things down, it seems less chaotic and scary, and helps me sort out my priorities.