I dreaded Thanksgiving when we lived in Wyoming for a year. It was just Stephen and five-year-old Jake and me, pregnant with Ben, and since we were going east for Christmas, we couldn't do Thanksgiving, too.

But we got out the china, and made the big meal, and made paper turkeys out of traced handprints, and watched football snuggled on the couch, and it was one of the nicest holidays we ever had. And my families aren't particularly stressful at the holidays.

There's only so much you can ask from cookies.

Chandler: It isn't love, Mon. It's just food.

Set the rules in advance,Aimee. and Stick to 'em for a couple of years - then as em gets older you can flex - and look good. and of course, you can always talk about moving back to CA....

I'd never do that. My mom's still pissed off at ex-sf for running off with a shitkicker off theinternets and still taking "The Temptations Christmas" and her Pendergrass discs. She'd never forgive me.

I know my Mom rocks, but after some of these stories, I learn just how much. My mom insists that her married children with children spend Christmas morning at their own homes so they can create traditions of their own. They come to my parents' Christmas afternoon for the big meal and family gifts.

My dad's family gathering is usually the Saturday before Christmas, so that's nice. It's the day of that might get hairy. But then, Joe's family traditions change each year, so who knows.

Then I can say, "I'll be spending Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter at home this year. And you, my beloved [familial title here] are welcome to join me."

I've been making that invitation every year for the last 30 years. They came for Easter one time. The drive is too long for them, although magically shorter for me.

But ultimately, if you're the only one making the sacrifices and it's making you miserable you can say "No" some of the time instead of rolling over for family expectations of Happy FunTime Holiday Hoo Haw.

You ignore that there's a price to be paid. It may be that there are one or more sick relatives whom it's the Last Chance To See. There may be healthy relatives whom you can only see in one place at the holidays. You may have relatives who can successfully make your life a living hell if you "let them down". (And don't tell me "that's your choice", because it isn't. If Aunt Sarah spends the next year telling all your family what a bitch you are, that has fallout.) You may love some of the relatives enough that it's important to you to make them happy.

I've managed to not travel on holidays for years, and I love it that way. On the other hand, the extended inlaws (whom I, amazingly, loathe more than the nuclear inlaws) have made out the calendar for exactly which holidays we're expected to spend at which of their places for the next decade (my family? none. our own place? none. even Stephen's parents' place doesn't count, as it's not the one true family gathering). Not that we will actually go, but we will catch all kinds of shit for not doing so.

Can I say no? Sure, and have, and will again. But it's a bit of a simplistic solution to just propose not going as if that choice didn't also play into the holiday madness. So, ka-POW stands.

As a forinstance: I dislike my maternal grandmother. My maternal grandmother is a nag. My maternal grandmother nags my mother, and my mother feels guilty about it even though she knows rationally she's a good daughter. If I see my maternal grandmother with my mother as a buffer, it makes my mother feel better. I'll be seeing the maternal this Thanksgiving even though, left to myself, I'd much rather not.