I did a preview picture of Emmett when I got his costume together.

That is SPECTACULAR.

Apparently I did a lot of skipping yesterday because I totally missed this:

I did a preview picture of Emmett when I got his costume together.

Emmett looked so awesome!

It's just--I'm bawling my eyes out here, and I've put myself in a position where there is literally no one I can pick up the phone and call and say, "Look, I need a little help here so I can calm down and get back to my life," without it being awkward and weird, because I'm become so dependent on online community that it's all I have.

Susan, I say this in all seriousness, and with the first-hand knowledge that, despite your online fretting, you're a pretty mellow mom. A few months ago, you were considering and/or talking to your NP about anxiety and ways of coping with it, weren't you? (I think you were, but anything that happened while I was pregnant is a weird blur because my brain wasn't functioning right.) It sounds like, between your father's death, the novel, your job hunt, and the normal grind of parenting, your anxiety levels are through the roof again. Can you talk to her again? Maybe see if there are new strategies for coping that will give you a fresh perspective?

Venting helps, but only so much, and after a bit, a body can get in a self-imposed feedback loop of badness. You've had a rough year, you don't have a huge offline support system, and like venting, online support can only help so much, even if you get it 24/7 unconditional.

Check it out -- a Stephanie x-post of Emmett love!

OK. I just did something that was scary for me because I don't like being that kind of vulnerable and called my pastor while I was crying my eyes out and basically said, "Life stuff, not dealing well, hate calling anyone like this, hate that I've put myself in a position where I'm calling my pastor and not my best friend from back in Philly or the best friends in Seattle that I've somehow never made, can you help?" And he was really good about it. I just needed someone with a voice, someone outside the situation.

Anyway, what I decided after some advice from him was that as of noon board time, I'm going to step away for a few days, not because I'm angry at anyone or because I'm stomping off in a huff to leave forever, but because I need to do so both to kinda take a breath and evaluate things and because I don't want to continue to be a disruptive force on the board. He also advised that maybe I need to work through my comfort zone issues with being vulnerable and taking the first move in escalating a friendship from "polite social chat after church or writers group meeting," to something a little deeper by calling one or two of the people I can see myself becoming better friends with and meeting for lunch to talk over more serious life stuff.

So. I'll be in the thread till around noon, then I'm going away for awhile. My profile addy will still be good, and I'll continue to read LJ. I intend to come back, maybe in a few days, maybe once I've got the manuscript in the mail. But I feel like this is something I need to do for now.

Susan, good for you for taking that step and calling him.

(Um, that last of mine was massively xposted, of course.)

Emmet looks fabulous! Will the cuteness never cease?

Her next "return date" is November 8th. Maybe if she makes it back, I can boogie out for lunch.

That'd be great. My treat. Any old fancy place you like at the Ferry Building. We can sit down and work out our all-time A's all-star team, or whatever catches our fancy.

(And Dylan has a lot of meetings today, FWIW, so it may be some time before he's actually physically able to be here, see the response to his pre-apology, and say anything else. Not apologizing for him, not speaking for him, just stating the circumstance.)