See, this is why I hate phones:

Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are developing software for cell phones that would analyze speech patterns and voice tones to rate people -- on a scale of 0 to 100 percent -- on how engaged they are in a conversation.

Anmol Madan, who led the project while he pursued a master's degree at MIT, sees the Jerk-O-Meter as a tool for improving relationships, not ending them. Or it might assist telephone sales and marketing efforts.

"Think of a situation where you could actually prevent an argument," he said. "Just having this device can make people more attentive because they know they're being monitored."

The program, which Madan said is nearing completion, uses mathematical algorithms to measure levels of stress and empathy in a person's voice. It also keeps track of how often someone is speaking.

"It's an academically proven thing," Madan said of the math behind those measurements. "There are a bunch of academic papers published about this."

For now, the Jerk-O-Meter is set up to monitor the user's end of the conversation. If his attention is straying, a message pops up on the phone that warns, "Don't be a jerk!" or "Be a little nicer now." A score closer to 100 percent would prompt, "Wow, you're a smooth talker."

However, the Jerk-O-Meter also could be set up to test the voice on the other end of the line. Then it could send the tester such reports as: "This person is acting like a jerk. Do you want to hang up?"

Damn this cable! It tells me that Alton is on at the same time as Blackadder! Now I need a second TiVo and approximately 43 splitters!

Speaking of phones, it would be wrong of me to unplug my phone so that no one can call and make me stay late today, wouldn't it?

Perkins, I've found that simply not answering the phone works just as well.

Damn this cable!

See? Teevee doesn't make people stupid! How can it when you need a degree in Television Recording Management just to catch all your favorite programs?

But then I have to listen to it ring.

As opposed to staying late, I'll listen to it ring. And ring. And ring.

Mine rings twice, then goes to voice mail.

But then I have to listen to it ring.

So, leave early! (That's what I did today.) That will ensure you will not have to stay late and you won't have to listen to the phone ring.

I'm really beating myself up about this stupid wallet. I feel like I have lost control of my life lately.

So to make myself feel better I'm looking at vacation pictures:

August 2005, pre-birthday party [link]

September 6 1974, birthday trip [link]

"Think of a situation where you could actually prevent an argument," he said. "Just having this device can make people more attentive because they know they're being monitored."

It'll make me more attentive to all the other things occupying my attention because I'll no longer be using a phone.