What is it with writers who seem perfectly fine using "penis" and then switch to stupid flowerly euphamisms like "throbbing manhood" or "rod of desire" or "throbbing manly rod". Is it like the PG-13 rule about "Fuck" ?

But the same writers end up writing "crack of her ass" or "anus" or anything other than flowery/stupid euphamism for penis and it's kind of ...jarring. Granted, all bad fic is jarring, but it's weird.

Wait. Is this the same woman who wrote the infamous golf-cart story? Because if anything, the writing in these paragraphs are even more hilariously inept.

Is this the same woman who wrote the infamous golf-cart story?

Is there any other terrible Nikita writer?

Yeah, okay, there are lots. But anyone else on this scale?

Edit: There was also the one with the Greek gods. I don't remember if I posted any of that here, although I think I might have.

I think I remember the Greek gods bit. Something about Nikita and Michael inventing the orgasm or suchlike?

I remember the Greek gods one. It's seared into my memory.

Also, from the ridiculous to the... ridiculous. John, Rodney, unicorn. Crack. [link]

Heh. Shalott wrote a little drabble, even.

Although, I assume Sheppard and McKay have been shagging like bunnies hopped on goofballs... aren't only the virgins allowed to ride on unicorns?

Hee. I found the excerpts of the Greek gods one by threadsucking the first thread.

t snicker

aren't only the virgins allowed to ride on unicorns?

It's the Pegasus galaxy. Maybe only total sluts are allowed ride the unicorns there?

Ack. Why did 'ride the unicorn' have more than one meaning in my brain as I typed that?

Okay, in honor of my slog through the old thread, the golf cart sex. Comments are my original comments.

The golf cart he was riding in hit a bump and he went flying, hitting his head against the carpeted floor and passing out. Nikita rushed to his side and managed to take him in her cart back to the entrance door, his body covered in some sort of combustible material that slowly burned through his clothing.

Okay, first, don't ask why they're in golf carts. Secondly, what a coincidence that just from falling on the ground, he gets covered in combustible material that melts his clothes!

Michael was all banged up; he had lost consciousness but was not dead or maimed.

In case you were worrying that he was dead. Or maimed.

She knew she had to make him warm or he would surely die, so she proceeded to remove all her clothes and of course the bowl that covered him so well.

See, she'd placed the bowl over...never mind.

"Shut up Michael, I am not that hard up. I need to make you hot.” She said, trying hard to make him relax, smile, perhaps concentrate in something other than the problem at hand; she was also making him drink scotch straight from the bottle.

“I understand… perhaps…” He started to say, sputtering and his eyes started to close.

“Oh no you don’t, you are not going to sleep… here…” She said and incredibly started giving him a blowjob. ‘Whatever it takes.’

That's our Nikita. Selfless to the end.

She was rubbing her hands up and down his arms and legs, as her lips stayed attached to his manhood. She was sucking desperately the small, but yet perfect center of his being. She was rubbing herself against his legs, like a dog in heat and rubbing her breasts against his chest.

A bit more conscientious of what she was doing he started to enjoy the girl. Her mouth was warm against his very cold staff that slowly was unfurling without either of them realizing it. She moaned unintentionally and he let out a deep sigh, which made the blonde beauty wrapped tightly around him, smile. Carnal needs soon thereafter taking over the need to be kept warm.

She's selfless, he's "conscientious".

Michael was very good at this Nikita thought, good at giving as well as receiving, she was being well serviced and felt like a slut, surely this is what Michael was thinking of her. She was surprised after all he was a Prince and she would have thought he had never given head to anyone, probably never even received such a wonderful treat back. But she was amazed at how his tongue hit all the right folds, all the right places and had all the right moves, in her extensive sexual experiences, she had never known anyone this good.

After all, he is a Prince.

She makes me want to swear off sex for fear that it might be like that at some point. And I'm a slut!