I like diet Pepsi much more than diet Coke and more than regular Pepsi. I also like Diet Rite Orange and Cola flavors and those are the other artifical sweetner.

I like regular Coke better than any of those though. That's why I never buy a carton of Coke to take home.

Then when people who've had to structure their eating to combat the same challenges are offering suggestions, your response was that you can't keep healthy food in the house because it rots, and seemed to read as if everyone was telling you to go low carb, when the responses were more along the lines of "If low carb isn't for you, limiting X and Y will still help put off the crashes."

That's true. I'm so completely opposed to low-carb diets that the mere mention of one tends to shut my mind to anything that comes before or after.

And just today I've realized that I actually do have food issues. I've always thought I didn't, because I don't have the ones rooted in childhood/adolescence that it seems like many women do. Mine, I think, stem from my experience back in 2000 where I lost weight and felt all accomplished--and then promptly gained it back with interest. Since then I've been on WW for a week or two more times than I could count, lost a few pounds, and decided it wasn't worth it. And I think that's why I'm so resistent to advice--I've either tried it, and it doesn't work, or it's something that sounds unappetizing to me. I feel like some undefined They is going to come and take all the foods I like away from me, so I'd better eat them every chance I get now.

And somehow under this system "foods I like" aren't reasonably nutritious things like spaghetti with salad or that pseudo-Egyptian rice-and-lentil recipe from the More With Less cookbook. They're pure junk. And I have a way of fixating on very specific foods that I MUST have before They come for them, which leads to things like eating a polish sausage with garlic fries and a Dr Pepper at every single one of the 15-20 baseball games I attend in a year. I almost feel like I should forget being really virtuous and getting a salad from Health Hut at the ballpark--if I can just make myself go to a different foodstand than the one with the garlic fries and get a BBQ sandwich or chicken fingers, that would be an accomplishment in itself, just for breaking the pattern. Or that I shouldn't expect myself never to go for fast food on days my schedule is a little wacky, but that it'd be an accomplishment to do anything other than go to Kidd Valley and get the chicken club w/ bacon.

I know it sounds stupid, but just talking about that stuff makes me want to go to Kidd Valley now, so I can get another one of those sandwiches before They come for it. And I don't even know who the hell They are.

I just talked to DH, and he was very understanding--he's trying to do WW himself, but he seemed to get that this wasn't the time to push me to do the same. He just made encouraging noises about the fact I'd figured something out, said I needed to figure out what to do before I did end up with a medical They taking things from me, and that I really ought to put Annabel in a stroller after my lunch and her nap and go for a walk, because I'm too damn sedentary, and some exercise would improve my metabolism and my mood. He's also nudging me to skate again.

I still have to make an appt with the nutritionst I plan to see. First I have to get blood work done, when I get my car back.

I have food issues, I eat when I'm bored or tired or as a reward. And I suck at portion control. I have access to a kitchen scale and nice new measuring cups and spoons so I could figure out portions. But I'm lazy and I think there are other issues at work. Some of this stuff I figure I'll have to take up with my therapist and deal with it there.

The idea of being in shape and even a size 14 (which I was about 6 yrs ago) kind of freaks me out. I get freaked because losing weight and taking responsiblity is one more step to independence. Not that I have to be thin to be independent--- it's just that moving out, getting a full time job, taking responsiblity of my finances and my health and my eating habits it's all this grown up stuff. When it all comes together...well, then I'll be successful I think. Ready to leave this place. But it's scary because my urge to flee and avoid is so strong.

I am SO PISSED OFF.

I won't be getting my MA in a week because I still need 6 more hours of graduate credit. I found this out TODAY.

When dod I file my application for graduation? JANUARY

And they are telling me this 4 DAYS BEFORE GRADUATION.

I have NO financial aid left for summer, so I will have to wait till FALL to finish these credits.

I am FURIOUS.

Shit, Erin.

I'd be furious, too. Did they even apologize for not notifying you soon enough that you could do something about it?

Erin, furious would even begin to describe it.

Oh, fuck, Erin. That totally sucks. Is it going to keep you from getting your certification?

Damn, Erin. I'm sorry.

That sucks, Erin. Where the hell was your graduate advisor? S/He should have been on top of this months ago.

Oh Erin. I'm so sorry. How maddening.