Okay, I need Ted C Blind Item help. This just feels like something actually work-outable:
until quite recently, Toothy Tile was dating his superpopular, superannoyingly perfect girlfriend. Not boyfriend.
Tile and his man-amigo, who extended his hands flat on the marble table (yes, that's a hint) until they were intertwined with Tile's.
Tile's famous ex knew, deep down, way below her doable dimples, what Tile really wanted (hence, the breakup)
A very promising young actor who has been the subject of two Blind Vices in this very column, I'm told by mutual friends and sources, is preparing to come out of the closet, which will--thanks to backward, provincial America--permanently alter this talented man's career
Dear Ted:
Are you seriously telling me no one has guessed the identity of Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice and last week's Whoa, Nellie! item? It is Michael Vartan, of course. His Jennifer moved on up--it is so obvious.
Dear Detective Dummy:
If it's so obvious, sugar-smooch, why is it then not the Alias hunk? Think less established and far less sure of himself. Meanwhile, the randy guesses have been rocketing in like you wouldn't believe!
Dear Ted:
I have no real idea 'bout the closet mystery dude, but I thought I'd throw some names at you anyhow: Orlando Bloom or he-man Vin Diesel?
Dear Ted:
I'm all about the gay blind vice; nothing like a little sexual confusion to get a girl going in the morning. The last few weeks have been driving me insane to the point that I've been enlisting the help of fellow gossip hounds to try and solve it. I've got a feeling Toothy Tile is Elijah Wood.
Great guesses, girlfriends! But as I'm sure you're getting an inkling right about now, neither of you hit the jumpin' jackpot. The correct cutie who's thinkin' about pulling an Anne Heche (before she decided she wasn't gay, that is) is right smack between Mr. Bloom and Mr. Wood--where he just might like to be, come to think of it.
???
Also, why is this captivating me so?
