Deb, I think there are too many apologies in that letter. Your pitch is a good one, but the apologies weigh it down a bit.

In the first paragraph, I think you want to say "I wanted to be sure I got it all down."

I'd say strike the "Deep breath" line. I'd also mention sooner that JP Kinkaid is based on Nicky Hopkins, and that you knew him so well. Otherwise, it's five or six paragraphs before he gets to why you're approaching him in particular. You mention Nicky, then JP, and two paras later, how they're connected, and why this book might matter to Andy.

There we go. Trimmed it.

Tricky balance, between "we talked about this for about two minutes" and "professional writers asking for professional favours."

Still - feedback was good.

It now reads:

We met at your Haight Street signing in San Francisco. John Parsley graciously forwarded my email; this is the explanatory follow-up. Apologies for any repetition, between this and the email. Apologies, too, for being a trifle long-winded; I wanted to get it all down.

I'm writing to ask a favour: Would you be willing to have a look at my new series and, if you like it what you see, to offer a blurb?

I've just finished the fourth book of the Kinkaid Chronicles. These are mystery novels, narrated by JP Kinkaid, a fictional session guitar player, and run in a chronological progression. The completed titles are listed below. I'm also enclosing a flyer. I spent years in Bay Area music (working with the Dead and the Airplane, among others) and had a long on- and off-again relationship with Nicky Hopkins, the man on whom JP Kinkaid is based.

These aren't straight mysteries. They focus on the people: JP himself, mid-fifties and chronically ill, with multiple sclerosis and a heart problem. His companion of twenty five years, Bree Godwin. His estranged wife, Cilla. JP's bandmates in Blacklight, the megastar band he joined in the late seventies. His local musician friends in the Bay Area, particularly his pickup band, the Fog City Geezers, and his keyboard player closest friend, Tony Mancuso's, longtime band, the Bombardiers.

Nicky was also chronically ill. He didn't have MS, but I do, and I can write about it with authority. I'm attaching a short section from the second book, While My Guitar Gently Weeps. The man JP is remembering, Jack Featherstone, should be immediately recognisable as based on Ronnie Lane. I chose this particular piece because, in a way, it covers everything I'm trying to do with this series: memory, family, loyalty, letting go, holding on. And why, in so many ways, music is what a musician is, and not just what he or she does.

I loved my years in music, loved the people, and in particular, loved and looked after the man JP Kinkaid is based on. I've done tours, arranged charity events and fundraisers, worked with Bill Graham and Amnesty International. I saw rock and roll at its best and worst. I've made miso soup at midnight for a late-night recording session at the Record Plant in Sausalito. I've been hidden in a roadcase from the cops by the band, backstage at a 1970 Dead gig in New York. These aren't hatchet jobs, or tell-alls, or even roman a clefs. It's been a long strange trip, and a lot of those personal incidents are woven through the Kinkaids.

I'm considered a literary writer rather than a commercial one, but the Kinkaids - the closest to my heart of anything I've ever written - may well be both. In any case, thanks for your time on this. I know how exhausting touring is, and I hope you get to catch up on rest and family time soon!

Challenge #129 (desert island) is now closed.

Challenge #130 is triangles.

I'd drop the second apology. Either be long-winded or not, but you don't need the apology.

Would you be willing to have a look at my new series and, if you like it what you see, to offer a blurb?

extra word there.

Laura, good catches. Done.

And off it goes.

Late to the review, but the letter as sent is solid, deb.

Note from editor:

...This level of edits you’re seeing are what many other authors see on a third round. You’ve really done a bang-up job here.

So if you heard a loud SQUEEEEEE from my direction, that's why.

I had no idea it was that clean.

Yay Allyson! What a nice thing to hear.