You know, if WMGGW wasn't a locked-down WIP intended for eventual publication, there's an entire chapter section dealing with Bree making dinner that I'd simply lift out and post. It's the POV of the narrator, who isn't a foodie at all and never has been, watching the woman he loves put together lamb shanks in quatre epices and a savoyard. And she doesn't know he's watching.

My problem is, I either burn the damned through not enough butter (not a fan of fried foods generally), or else I grit my teeth and put too much butter in the pan and it's Grease Central.

This may sound gross, but it truly isn't: instead of using butter, lightly smear the bread with mayonnaise. It will fry up perfectly, and w/o excess grease.

I think this might be the best drabble I've written. I cheated a bit, but I can't really cook.
HOW TO MAKE AN UNBIRTHDAY CAKE

1. Find out your best college friend isn’t actually pregnant.

2. Heave great shuddering sigh of relief as you are pro-choice and she is not and your tongue hurts from biting it so very hard.

3. Take wheelchair down to corner grocery store to interface with your homegirl Sara Lee and buy one poundcake.

4. Decide “We’re celebrating” and buy the frozen strawberries and reddi-wip too, even though people stare cause you buy it with foodstamps and some snotty taxpayers don’t like bankrolling frivolity like whipped cream. Rationalize they would be less happy paying for the other result.

5. Feel grateful it’s Drew the Psycho on overnights tonight because he will just help you have your cake party and not narc on you for breaking routine. Sometimes it’s cool he has so many personalities, and that tonight’s is the mellow Buffett fan.

6. Go home. Squirt whipped cream directly in your mouth the way your mother taught you as a kid.

7. Have cake and strawberries with your friend and Drew at midnight. Smile mysteriously when Drew asks what the occasion is. You both know...that’s all that matters.
8. Wonder why your friend cries because her life *isn’t* completely upended.

Amy, I love you. But I put the words "fried" and "mayonaise" together and my intestines just did the shimmy-coco-bop.

I'm damned if I know why anyone calls that sandwich "grilled". It's clearly fried.

erika, that's a complete kicker, damn it.

I have deep and especial love for number 3.

Was completely true. Including the staffer with the MPD.(I just thought he was, like, moody, at the time, however. But some of his guys liked us better than others.)

I use butter and make a good grilled cheese sandwich with it, because I don't buy magarine, but in the days when my folks bought margarine, it made a better grilled cheese sandwich. It doesn't burn as fast, or something.

Deb, the trick is not to have the heat too high (I had to readjust this all when we got to this house, with the stupidass electric stove), and have your butter really soft, so it's spreadable. I now grease the bottom of pan lightly, the way I would if I were baking something. Then I spread the (very soft) butter, as thinly as possible on the bread, and I flip it a few times.

Amy, I love you. But I put the words "fried" and "mayonaise" together and my intestines just did the shimmy-coco-bop.

That was Anne, and believe me, I'm making an "ewww" face right now.

I burn grilled cheese half the time. And no one (no one, I tell you) can make it the way you get it at a good diner. It must be the build-up of grease on the grill or something.

Sometimes it’s cool he has so many personalities, and that tonight’s is the mellow Buffett fan...

Wonder why your friend cries because her life *isn’t* completely upended.

These lines are so very good, in completely different ways.

Cindy, that's precisely the way I do it, and it always comes out as if I'm trying to take fat (in the form of Processed Cheese Food) and give it a cholesterol jacuzzi.

Mmm! Cholesterol jacuzzi.

Yum.