Played with Kaylee. Sun came out, and I walked on my feet and heard with my ears. I ate the bits, the bits stayed down, and I work. I function like I'm a girl. I hate it because I know it'll go away. The sun goes dark and chaos has come again. Bits. Fluids. What am I?!

River ,'War Stories'


The Great Write Way, Chapter Two: Twice upon a time...  

A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.


deborah grabien - May 27, 2005 8:23:13 am PDT #2357 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.

What if they don't get rid of the ghost? What can he do to them? How about a plea or an anxious request?

No. He's got money, pull, position; trust me, this dude is scary and arrogant, and he really doesn't make anxious requests. He knows most of the club owners and most of the money people in the industry and he can seriously impact them. Luckily, by and large, he's not an asshole, but he's autocratic and used to issuing ultimatums.


Connie Neil - May 27, 2005 8:23:55 am PDT #2358 of 10001
brillig

I don't think you should give away the "political cover-up" part of the plot, because you want to keep the element of surprise.

Good point. It also sounds weirdly modern in regards to ghosts, but that could be a useful point if you want to explore how people don't change as much as you'd think over time.


deborah grabien - May 27, 2005 8:23:57 am PDT #2359 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.

"And as the Festival disintegrates around them, Ringan and Penny begin to suspect that Lady Susanna's death was not as simple as they've been told, and that the truth may expose a four-hundred-year-old lie with implications far greater than a husband's betrayal..."

ooooooooooooh! I like. May I use?

edit: connie, yep, I agree. The cover-up political thing is a giveaway. Will remove.


Amy - May 27, 2005 8:25:01 am PDT #2360 of 10001
Because books.

May I use?

That's what it's there for, babe.


Connie Neil - May 27, 2005 8:25:23 am PDT #2361 of 10001
brillig

he's autocratic and used to issuing ultimatums

How about "demands" instead of "ultimatum"? Let the story show that it's more of a threat instead of just "Do this, peasant."


deborah grabien - May 27, 2005 8:31:06 am PDT #2362 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.

Hmmm. There's one thing in this:

"And as the Festival disintegrates around them, Ringan and Penny begin to suspect that Lady Susanna's death was not as simple as they've been told

that I think I need to change: it should be something about not being as simple or as straightforward as the song lyric suggests. IOW, I need to tie it into the song, which is the title.


Beverly - May 27, 2005 8:31:51 am PDT #2363 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.

For Ringan and Penny, though, there's a downside: Callowen is haunted, by the pretty young wife of a 17th century Leight-Arnold, killed by her husband when she's caught in bed with another man. What's more, her story is told in a famous traditional song, "Matty Groves". And the couple has already held two terrifying exorcisms for ghosts whose stories, true or false, are told in songs.

This time, it seems, there's no mystery for them to solve; the Lady Susanna's story is straightforward, and besides, Miles Leight-Arnold is very proud of his family phantom.

A few suggestions for clarity, mainly reorganizing your sentences:

For Ringan and Penny, though, there's a downside. The couple has already held two terrifying exorcisms for ghosts whose stories, true or false, are told in songs. And Callowen is haunted, by the pretty young wife of a 17th century Leight-Arnold, killed by her husband when she's caught in bed with another man. What's more, her story is told in a famous traditional song, "Matty Groves".

This time, it seems there's no mystery for them to solve; the Lady Susanna's story is straightforward, and besides, Miles Leight-Arnold is very proud of his family phantom. But from the first night, it becomes clear that Lady Susanna, harmless and tragic, is not the only spectre.

Something else is awake, moving through walls and nightmares, growing stronger as it feeds on Penny's sensitivity and on the very fear it creates: Andrew Leight, a man as twisted and violent in life as he is in death. When Penny is attacked and Charlotte, the daughter of the house, is injured, Lord Callowen gives Ringan and Penny an ultimatum: get rid of Andrew Leight, but leave Lady Susanna's ghost untouched.

But I like Amy's suggestions even better.


deborah grabien - May 27, 2005 8:34:29 am PDT #2364 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.

Bev, niiiiiiiiiiiice.

Damn. My brain is backstage at Madison Square Garden right now, not in Hampshire. Very tricky trying to focus.


deborah grabien - May 27, 2005 8:35:31 am PDT #2365 of 10001
It really doesn't matter. It's just an opinion. Don't worry about it. Not worth the hassle.

Actually, I want to use yours, end it with Amy's, and take part of connie's suggestion about the Callowen info. Gimme a minute...

edit: except "spectre". I hate that word, and never use it.


Beverly - May 27, 2005 8:40:02 am PDT #2366 of 10001
Days shrink and grow cold, sunlight through leaves is my song. Winter is long.

Well, I take issue with the fact that Susannah isn't "alone." I don't think she IS with Andrew. I'm not overly fond of spectre, it just wasn't ghost again.