Well, but that's a whole 'nother gender thing. That women can be adequate at their given craft (even and perhaps especially gender stereotype fields) -- sewing, nursing, cooking, secre...tarying. But that men are still at the top of each field -- fashion designers, doctors, chefs, executive assistants.

In general, I think I deal with much cowardice with the social contract stuff. I will likely tell you whatever complimentary thing you want to hear, regardless of its relative truth. "Does this make me look fat?" will result in a reflexive "No, of course not, you look great!" without me giving much thought to how you actually look. But then, in generalities, if that sort of opinion is being sought, rarely is the subject in real dire straits as far as appearance goes.

"Am I interrupting?" will also get you "No, you're fine." In fact, almost any similar query will get, "Oh, you're fine." which may, in fact, mean that you were doing whatever you were begging pardon for, but that I will put up with your rudeness. Of course, I may employ The Eyebrows, if truly necessary.

Further, if I ask, "How do I look?" I am looking for a relatively honest answer, but of course, I am seeking a positive response. I want the answer to that question and the truth to both be "Great!" If truthfully answered, "Horrible!" I may respond well, but still feel (experience) hurt. If I thought I looked horrible, I probably wouldn't have been standing in front of you and certainly not asking. I must have thought I looked passable, and so, your reply means that I am somehow lacking in sartorial sense or some other terrible and hitherto unnoticed faux pas.

See?

To throw a lariat around this whole post and try to lug it back to topic, this is why sometimes I fret about feedback in this thread. I put my material out there because I think it's passable. Of course, I want people to think it's wonderful, or I wouldn't have put it out. Then, I refresh my page a bunch of times, because I am relentlessly impatient for affirmation. And when I actually get feedback, I am suspicious of it, because it is positive. I don't want this thread to be for hairpats. Surely I have written some things that are awful, and people should tell me so.

But, otoh, when people (like deb, who I know to be forthright) do give compliments, I take them in the spirit given, insofar as that is possible.

I have no bloody idea what to do with my creative writing class today due to the fact that I was thinking it was a workshop day and just now realized that it is not. Any ideas? I've covered most of the basics of poetry and prose with them, and I don't have time to put together a screenwriting or scriptwriting lesson.

Take them outside, tell them to find something outside and write 1,000 words on it.

Oo, good idea!! Inspiration from the outside world! It looks like it's going to be beautiful today, too.

Exactly. And really, what's the school going to do--fire you?

Oh, the school won't care. We have a gorgeous courtyard. My ninth graders perform Midsummer out there every June.

The kids will be happy, and you can pretend you're not at work, and get some sunshine in your pretty face, too.

As my mom's hair was just growing back after chemo, she threw a reception for my Brother and his wife, who ahd gotten married in Europe. She asked me to tell her honestly if her hair looked long enough to wear without her wig. Now, she still looked bald, but there was some hair there and I KNEW she hated the wig with a passion, so I said yes. She wasn't able to go to this shindig without feeling like she had hair and she needed my help believing it. She had a great time and never wore the wig again.

That being said, the "Does this make me look fat" line is one of those tropes which I think exists mostly in Comedyland and not in the real world, like brides going home to mother and people in West Virginia marrying their sisters.

Further, if I ask, "How do I look?" I am looking for a relatively honest answer, but of course, I am seeking a positive response.

Yes, but that's not a specific question. Big, big difference, in my perception, although my particular bizarroland form of simple-mindedness wants a very specific answer to that one, assuming I ask it. If I say to Nic - and not sure if I said this, but the entire thing arose because it seemed a lover/spousal question, not a question between friends - how do I look, I want a complete answer. And since he shares my bizarroland etc, he'll give me one, every time. I don't ever get "you look fine" without a full head to toe lookover from him. He respects my question, and he knows I'm going to respect his answer. I suspect that defines that part of our own contract.

Robin, that's a beautiful story. I'd have answered the same, I think, had I known her and known the circs. But had I been her, asking my own daughter, I wouldn't have wanted the reassurance; I would have wanted her opinion.

So yeah, I'm grokking the contract a bit better, just that mine seems to be slightly skewed elseways with the three men I've loved in this life.

I don't want this thread to be for hairpats. Surely I have written some things that are awful, and people should tell me so.

But, otoh, when people (like deb, who I know to be forthright) do give compliments, I take them in the spirit given, insofar as that is possible.

If you've written anything awful, I haven't seen it posted here. And I suck at hairpats.

I know when close friends mean something other than the literal reading of their words. So "Does this make me look fat?" really means "I don't feel good about how I look right now. Comfort me." and *my* answer would be "Why you gonna ask ME that? You look great, let's go."

Heh. My friend TOTALLY failed to do that for me when I was in a fashion show for her store last week. I was wearing a shorty-short mini and showing A LOT of my (substantial) bare legs. After changing into the skirt I told her "I'm feeling a little insecure about my legs."

She said, "Eh. It'll be dark out there."

I was like, "NOOOOOOO you're supposed to say my legs are totally sexy and hott!!!"

(Also, my friends and I like to ask each other, "Does my ass look fat enough in these jeans?")