And I myself will be wearing pink taffeta as chenille would not go with my complexion.

Giles ,'Touched'


Buffista Fic 2: They Said It Couldn't Be Done.

[NAFDA] Where the Buffistas let their fanfic creative juices flow. May contain erotica.


victor infante - Sep 01, 2014 12:14:15 pm PDT #992 of 1103
To understand what happened at the diner, we shall use Mr. Papaya! This is upsetting because he's the friendliest of fruits.

Heaven's in Here

Part Two: Where is My Mind?

When you're part of a team, you have a role. I was never the detective. That would be Bruce. Or Ralph and Sue. Or even J'onn. Me? I was the guy who could fix the machine, or fly the plane, or crack a joke when it was desperately needed. Which was more often than you would think. Grim and gritty was so late '80s.

But evidently, so was London in 1990. Assuming this is really happening and I'm not hallucinating or something, I'm in my mid-teens on the other side of the Atlantic, tinkering with machines and listening to Rush right now. Don't judge. “Tom Sawyer” was instrumental in my super-development. I've never spent much time in London, but I remember it being more frenetic than this. It's still busy, but it's a more reasonable sort of busy.

Like I said, I'm not a detective. But I do notice things. And as I ride along in the police car beside Etta, I'm noticing details: Ant-Thatcherite graffiti, punks with massive mohawks, bad dance music blaring from every car, homeless teenagers everywhere. There's a sort of grimness here, a sort of hopelessness. You can see it on people's faces. I don't remember much history, but I know Thatcher will be gone by the end of the year.

Etta's been rambling off about cases – kidnappings, disappearances, a few murders. They sound interesting … I can help. I love to help people. Especially cute policewomen. But really, most anyone who needs it. That's why playing Blue Beetle was always so addictive, even if Bruce and the rest eventually started looking down on me, thinking I was too goofy to be a superhero. Maybe they were right. Unbidden, the image of myself lying dead on the floor with Max Lord standing above me comes forward. I shake it off before I scream.

It's the little things that are different. I haven't seen a cell phone the entire time I've been here, but there are some old-school computers at a few desks. Not even all the desks. And they're, like, cave-puters. No Internet, yet. Not in any big, substantive way, anyways.

That's bad. If I'm going to get home, I need research. I need to figure out how it happened, who's responsible. This doesn't feel like Max. The Lord of Time, maybe? That Legion bad guy, The Time Trapper? I've never really dealt with either, so I don't know why they'd bother. A magic baddie? Maybe, but usually the Phantom Stranger shows up and says something cryptic by now.

Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe all of this is in my head. That's really not a comforting thought.

We walk through the halls of the police station, and the desk sergeant glares at me as Etta and I walk up. Another blonde woman, older than Etta. Pretty, but there's an odd sternness in her demeanor that I can't … and then I notice she's gesticulating at me.

“Srgt. Jenkins,” says Etta, “This is DI Kord, he's ...”

“I know who he is, PC Bishop,” replies the sergeant, and I realize she's American, too, which is odd. “We were expecting him this morning, and then he was in the hospital. Honestly, can't you schedule your injuries until after you've punched in? The paperwork alone …”

“Thanks, Skip!” says Etta, grabbing my arm and pulling me past the desk. “Don't mind her,” she says, conspiratorially. “She's … kind of a stickler for rules. And has no sense of humor. Or empathy … or tact …”

“Good thing she's in public service,” I joke, and Etta smiles. “But hey, are there many Americans at Scotland Yard? You, me and her make three ...”

“A few. I hadn't really thought about it. And I think Srgt. Jenkins was actually born in Norway or someplace. Anyway, here we are.”

We enter a large, open office where a hectic mob of people – some in uniform, some not – stop everything they're doing to gape at me.

“Is there something on my face?” I whisper to Etta, who just giggles. “Everyone, this is Detective Inspector Kord.”

The reception's not-exactly cordial. A woman in her late 50s with a warm face and sharp eyes strides forward, (continued...)


victor infante - Sep 01, 2014 12:14:15 pm PDT #993 of 1103
To understand what happened at the diner, we shall use Mr. Papaya! This is upsetting because he's the friendliest of fruits.

( continues...) extending her hand. It's more formal than friendly, though.

“Welcome to CID,” says the woman. “I'm DS Smith. I guess we'll be working together.”

I shake her hand and smile. There's something in her look – does she not trust me? Did I take her promotion? I can't read her. This one's actually English, though, so that's reassuring. I was beginning to get suspicious.

“Looking forward,” I say, deciding to stick with the game. “Sorry I'm late. Got into a scuffle on the way here.”

“He stopped a mugging,” adds Etta, brightly. DS Smith's smile becomes slightly more genuine. She's still suspicious of me, but it's subsiding.

“What,” says another voice, from a desk in the corner. A large, dark-haired man with a London accent – much rougher than DS Smith's – “is he expecting a medal?”

Most of the room laughs, but the man just glares at me, a sort of brooding anger just underneath his skin. DS Smith sort of roles her eyes and speaks up, bringing the room back to attention.

“Don't mind DC Black,” she says. “He's just winding you up.”

'Right,” says a bellowing English voice on the other side of the office. “If anyone's going to do any winding up around here, it's gonna be me!”

All eyes turn towards the large man who has just entered from an office across the room.

“So you're the Yank they sent me,” he says, looking me up and down. “What? They didn't have any Frenchmen this time?”

There are a few nervous laughs. I step forward and start to introduce myself, when I realize that Etta – who is suddenly standing stiffly at attention – has actually stepped back away from me. That cant be good.

“DI Kord,” she says, barely concealing a sudden nervousness, “This is DCI Hunt.”

The large man looks me up and down.

“Show the Yank his desk and get him outfitted,” he says, dismissively. “We don't have time for tea and crumpets with the queen.”

A seriousness falls across his face as he addresses the room.

“There's been another kidnapping.”


victor infante - Sep 01, 2014 12:16:48 pm PDT #994 of 1103
To understand what happened at the diner, we shall use Mr. Papaya! This is upsetting because he's the friendliest of fruits.

Heaven's in Here

Part Three: Dead Man's Party

I think I may have a screamed the entire drive from the station to Braddock Academy, a “posh” boarding school in Westminster. I should have been thinking about the case or how to get home, but it was everything I could do to hang on for dear life as DCI Hunt propelled his “Starsky & Hutch”-colored 1985 BMW M5 through the streets of London, going far, far out of his way so he could find roads to “open 'er up on.”

My face was greener than the Martian Manhunter with too many Oreos in him.

“Ah, c'mon, Nancy,” shouted Hunt. “I thought you Yanks loved your fast cars and your big guns. Show me a little Clint Eastwood, why don't ya? GO AHEAD PUNK, MAKE MY DAY!”

And that's when it occurred to me that “The Dead Pool” had only been out for a couple years, and he was still re-enacting the movie as he swerved in and out of traffic and flew around blind corners. On the other hand, we beat everyone from the station there.

“The boy's name is Brian Braddock III,” said a uniformed officer, handing Hunt a photograph of the handsome blonde teenager.

“I'm guessing it's not just a coincidence the place is named after him, then,” said Hunt, snarling.

“No, guv,” said the officer. “His family founded the place, and his father's on the Board of Trustees.”

“Of course he is,” said Hunt. “All right, Nancy, let's go talk to the headmaster.

“You really need to stop calling me Nancy, DCI Hunt,” I said, trying to sound somewhat professional. “My name is Kord. Ted Kord.”

“Right,” said Hunt, not even looking at him. “All right, DI Yankee Doodle Dandy, this is the second kidnapping at this school, following one suspicious death.”

He handed me a small stack of folders he had stuffed in his trenchcoat.

“The boy who died was named Aiden Walker. Found a few blocks away. It looks like he was running, fell and hit his head. Then, when the girl Nara McKenzie went missing, we began to see a pattern, and figured the first death was a kidnapping attempt gone wrong.”

“And now another kid,” I said, thinking out loud. “Ransom demands?”

“None yet,” said Hunt, as we came to the Headmaster's office. “But the day is young.”

We took statements from the headmaster and other staff members, and then fanned out to search the campus. I took the main building, alongside some uniformed officers whose names I never caught. We'd been given a list of young Brian's friends, but it was pretty much every kid on campus. The list of his enemies was virtually identical.

The uniforms had begun searching dorms. I was amazed that parents hadn't called their kids home after the first kidnapping. Must be a stiff upper lip thing. The police went through the rooms with clockwork efficiency, while I tried to look for something out of place. I feel a few rooms behind them, looking around one that had just been searched. A radio had been left on, playing Michael Jackson's “Bad.” I sighed, and extended my hand to turn it off, when there was a squelch of static, and suddenly, a familiar voice was talking.

“Blue Beetle's dead,” said a voice that was unmistakably Bruce's. No one sounded like Bruce when he was in Batman mode. And trust me, I've tried to imitate him a few times.

Then it hit me: “Wait, did he say I was dead?”

'Gaea's mercy,” said a voice that I recognized as Diana's.

“No ...” gasped Booster. I knew all of these voices. I wanted to scream at them, tell them I wasn't dead, but instead I just listened, in shock.

“I believe Ted discovered who stole Brother I,” said Bruce. See, that's what a detective sounds like! “and I believe that's why he was murdered.”

“It was Max,” I said to the radio. “Max killed me. Max ...”

I wanted to throw up.

“YOU SON OF A BITCH,” shouted Booster. “Ted went to you at the start! He went to you and you knew what he was getting into and you refused to tell him!”

Angry Booster had a very good point.

“Booster,” says Diana. Trying to be the voice of reason.

“I didn't ...” starts (continued...)


victor infante - Sep 01, 2014 12:16:49 pm PDT #995 of 1103
To understand what happened at the diner, we shall use Mr. Papaya! This is upsetting because he's the friendliest of fruits.

( continues...) Bruce, although it's clear even he doesn't know what to say.

“YOU GOT HIM KILLED,” shouts Booster and there's a crackle of static and then …

“DI Kord,” says one of the policemen, and suddenly it's just Michael Jackson's voice coming out of the radio. “Are you all right, sir?”

“Yeah,” I said, catching my breath. “Still … still a little beat up from this morning.” I laughed. “Dead tired.”

"Sir,” said the cop, who obviously didn't know what else to say. What could he say. Even if he believed me.

We were a team I thought. How could they ...

And then, out of the corner of my eye, I spied a photo of the school soccer … err, football … team. Braddock was on that team. It was in the file. But Aiden was a little out of shape, and there were no girls on the team, which discounted Nara. But still …

“Find something interesting?” said a gruff voice from the doorway. I turned, and it was DC Black.

“Maybe,” I said. Just a hunch, but … we need someone to go through all three of these kids' classes and activities again. Any clubs they belonged to. Social groups. There's a connection here. I can feel it.

"Right,” said Black, and there was sort of a sulk in his voice, like he was about to argue, but knew he was outranked. I can make people do things I realized!!!!!

Black just nodded as he walked off, but I could feel it. There was something about these kids. Something no one else could see.

I moved on to the next room, but it was hard to concentrate. All I could hear was the rage and pain in Booster's voice.


victor infante - Sep 01, 2014 6:49:23 pm PDT #996 of 1103
To understand what happened at the diner, we shall use Mr. Papaya! This is upsetting because he's the friendliest of fruits.

Part Four: Criminal World

I've traveled in time before, of course. I know, that's a really ridiculous thing to say, but it's been … was … is that sort of life. When Dan Garret died and left me the Scarab, I sort of thought I'd become some sort of mystical crusader, like him. But it never really worked for me, so I ended up honoring him by swinging from rooftop to to rooftop in Hub City, and catching bad guys with nifty gadgets. I even built a flying ship that could maneuver in urban environments. Pretty cool, huh?

But yeah, it was all bank robbers and muggers until The Crisis. You know the one. Red Skies? The Anti-Monitor? Ringing a bell? Anyway, I hadn't been active for long, but The Monitor tapped me to help save the Universe. I know, right? The big time! I ended up in the future, when there were barely any people alive and animals talked. I became buds with a Gorilla King, at least until he died. I know how that sounds. But what I'm getting at here is, I've seen crazy.

Crazy doesn't send you back in time to a place where everyone thinks you're a police detective in England. And it certainly doesn't have you investigating the kidnapping and/or murder of a trio of teens. And yet, here I am. Which means I've not yet found the bottom of the crazy well, because if this is some supervillain plot, I'm totally lost.

Maybe there's something about the kids … some reason I'm supposed to be here …

“Good instincts,” says a pleasant voice, and I look up to see DS Smith smiling at me, carrying pieces of paper. It seems all three of them were involved in a … group activity.

She handed me the paper, and I'll admit, I was confused.

“The Socialist Students Union? I thought they were a bunch of rich kids.”

“Right,” came the belligerent chiding of DCI Hunt. “That's what most of these schoolyard Commies are. Working class stiffs, we know the value of a real job. Ain't that right, Sirius?” DC Black just glowered. “Don't mind him,” continued Hunt. I'm just winding him up. He comes off all rough, but he's from a family of toffs, ain't he?”

“I ain't anything like my family, guv,” said Black, simply. “I'm a copper.”

“That you are, my boy,” said Hunt. So let's go be coppers and find out what our junior Marxists are up to that would get them in trouble.”

I looked a the names on the list: Katy Bashir, Tim Bashir, Cullen Bloodstone …

“Bloodstone?” I said. “Now that's a suspicious name!”

“Yes,” said Smith, dryly. “Because villains are always appropriately titled.”

“Bring 'em all in,” said Hunt. I want to talk to all three of them. Down at the station. Away from this place.”

“Sure, but I'm still not seeing how it all links together,” I said, flipping through the papers. “Far as I can see, they're basically idealists. Do-gooders. Youth homelessness, caring for the poor ...”

“Load of bloody bullocks,” said Hunt. “Communism's dead and buried. The Berlin Wall's open, and Old Maggie and your Ronnie Reagan are serving it to the Soviets. Said so on the telly.”

And he was right. This was the time: Everything was happening fast. The Soviet Union was effectively gone already, and would be officially gone in … what? A year? I remember my dad wanting to take me on a trip to see the Berlin Wall come down, but it never happened. Work. Of course. And wow this is not the time to be processing my issues.

“Well,” I said, “just because it's all tied to this group, it doesn't mean that the group's activities are the reason they're being targeted. We'll find out soon enough.”

Hunt looked like he was going to say something, and then just grunted his assent, walking back toward the headmaster's office.

“Wow,” said DS Smith. “He must really like you. He's usually much more difficult to deal with than this.”

“Maybe,” I said. “Or maybe he's just got a problem with dead and missing kids. He's looked distracted ever since we got here.”

Smith nodded, as she watched him leave.

“I've got a son not much older than (continued...)


victor infante - Sep 01, 2014 6:49:24 pm PDT #997 of 1103
To understand what happened at the diner, we shall use Mr. Papaya! This is upsetting because he's the friendliest of fruits.

( continues...) these children myself,” she said, simply. I nodded seriously, but I'll admit, I was kind of glowing inside. For whatever reason, people were taking me seriously here. It wasn't something I was used to.

“Hey,” I said, trying to dig out of the awkward and unfamiliar sense of pride. “Is there anything I can call you besides 'DS Smith'?”

She smiled. “You can call me Sarah Jane,” she said.

“It's a pleasure to meet you, Sarah Jane. We'll see what happens when we get some of these kids alone.

I turned, and that was when I saw him in the crowd of students watching the police work from a distance. He was younger – 18 maybe? – and skinnier, but there was no mistaking his face. It was the face of the man who would eventually kill me.

Max Lord.


Anne W. - Sep 02, 2014 1:56:25 am PDT #998 of 1103
The lost sheep grow teeth, forsake their lambs, and lie with the lions.

Oh, lovely twist at the end. I'm also curious to see if there's a reason why we've got all these various other characters showing up in the background.


victor infante - Sep 02, 2014 3:37:53 am PDT #999 of 1103
To understand what happened at the diner, we shall use Mr. Papaya! This is upsetting because he's the friendliest of fruits.

Oh, yeah. Everybody's there for a reason. Especially Max. Still, I think there's only one more major supporting character to be introduced, and then Ted has to go solve a bunch of mysteries.


chrismg - Sep 06, 2014 12:17:36 pm PDT #1000 of 1103
"...and then Legolas and the Hulk destroy the entire Greek army." - Penny Arcade

More Alt-OUaT.

It's Already Here.

Chapter 3

Nevertheless, the next morning found them standing on the aft deck of the Summer Wind as the crew got her underway. They'd stowed their packs in the room they'd been provided below, with only a brief glare from the fourth mate, who'd now be sleeping with the rest of the crew in the hold. Rather than stay in a room smaller than Regina's closet, they'd come up on deck and were now out of the way at the very back of the ship.

Emma squinted up at the half -furled sails. She'd heard the mate at the wheel say high tide had just passed, and they'd pushed off the dock just minutes ago. So, the tide is carrying us out, and they've got the sails set for..."tacking" I think Hook called it? She sighed. Well, we're headed out to sea against the breeze, so I guess it's working.

"Having second thoughts?" Regina asked dryly.

"Little late if I was, since you already paid the guy. And no, this is still our best shot. You don't know where someone is, start by checking the last place she was."

Regina's voice grew even drier. "I don't think this is quite the same as tracking down a bail jumper, do you?"

"Mmmm...." Emma shaded her eyes and peered up at the seabirds wheeling over the docks behind them. "The principle's still the same. If they know someone they can go to for shelter, someone else might know where that is. If not, they'll be on their own, and more likely to leave a trail."

"I see." A pause. "You've ruled out abduction already, have you?"

"Well," Emma turned and looked at Regina, "I mean, maybe. But first, kidnapping a queen out of her own castle? And even if you do, what then? Captain Klaus said no one had any idea what had happened. If there'd been ransom demands or a rescue attempt...I've heard you talking about how servants gossip."

Regina looked thoughtful. "It does seem unlikely. So the question becomes, why?"

"We'll have to see what things are like in Arendelle." Emma peered over the side. The ship was settling into a steadier rocking as they left the shallows and headed out to sea. "No point in getting ourselves all wound up before then."

  • **

By three days out they'd found a routine to settle into. The second mate, a thick-muscled, dark-skinned fellow named Boudain, ran sword drills for the off-duty crew in the morning, and he'd given his OK for Emma to join in. It gave her some much-needed exercise, and built up a bit of camaraderie with the crew. Regina usually slept in, after staying up late with a small ball of witchlight illuminating the book she was reading. Emma occasionally suspected she was learning for herself whatever she was planning on teaching Emma the next day.

The afternoons found the two of them shut in the cabin, each sitting on one of the cots that took up most of the room, trying to find a course of study for Emma's magic. There were a number of problems.

"It doesn't work!"

"Don't be absurd, this is how magic works. You have to drive it out of your body and into the desired-"

"I told you-" Emma took a breath, "If I try to force it like that, it just sprays out everywhere. How many different kinds of stuff have you gotten splattered with so far? I think if I just let it flow down and then-"

"Are you really trying to imply you can handle magic better than I can? Because I'm fairly sure-"

"That is not what I said! Would you listen to what I'm actually telling you and not what you think-"

"What I think- " Regina leaned forward, glaring into Emma's face, "is that you can't handle trying to learn something that doesn't come easy. You don't want to work for what isn't handed to you on a silver platter. Just like your mother."

Emma found herself on her feet with her fists clenched. Regina was glaring with a tight smile that said she was bracing for a fight. She took another breath, and barely had the self-control to yank the door open instead of taking a swing.

"Where do you think you're-"

Emma whipped back around (continued...)


chrismg - Sep 06, 2014 12:17:37 pm PDT #1001 of 1103
"...and then Legolas and the Hulk destroy the entire Greek army." - Penny Arcade

( continues...) and snarled, "Class dismissed, teach, " slammed the door and hurled herself up the ladder to the deck.

  • **

A few minutes pacing back and forth across the aft deck, with the ship surging against the waves under her feet, left Emma with a much clearer head. " 'What's the terms of your lease like? Oh wait, you don't have one,' " she muttered under her breath, then snapped her jaw shut as she realized what she looked like, walking up and down and mumbling to herself.

A quick glance around showed only the helmsman apparently ignoring her, and a couple crew in the rigging who'd hopefully been out of earshot. Emma sighed and leaned against the aft rail, scowling at the wave-tossed wake behind the ship. She still goes for the jugular, after all this time.

She could feel the tension leaving her shoulders, slowly. There's gotta be a better way to handle this, or we're not gonna be in any shape to handle whatever we find in Arendelle. It's been barely a week and we're ready to start swinging. The deck shuddered under her boots again. Trying to study cooped up like that doesn't seem to be working, but I can just imagine what she'd say to magic lessons out where the whole-

There was a SMACK of water loud enough to jolt Emma from her thoughts, and the ship lurched sharply. All of a sudden the captain's voice was shouting orders she couldn't follow, and the crew were scrambling through the rigging, furling some sails and loosing others. Emma grabbed the rail as the ship swung about. The heck? Why are we turning east-

There was a flash in the corner of her eye, and she twisted round to finally see what was causing the upset: Off to the west of their course, a huge storm had brewed up, with towering thunderheads, and lightning jumping from cloud to sea. It was still a long way off, she realized, the thunder reached them only as a faint rumble; the sky overhead was still clear.

She glanced at Captain Klaus as he joined her at the rail, peering at the storm as the new course put it square behind them. "Is that coming this way?"

"Nay, milady." He nodded towards the top of the mainmast. "The lookout's had his eye on it for a while now, by his reckoning it's headed straight south. But it's got winds-" He broke off and grabbed the rail as another huge wave slammed into the stern under their feet. "Winds that'll kick up these awful waves for miles and miles. We'll have to put it at our backs and hope the rudder holds til we're clear."

Emma braced herself as another wave rushed up behind them. It slammed into the ship, shoving it forward and causing what seemed like an alarming creaking and cracking noise under the deck. After a moment, they settled back into the water.

"I dunno, it seems like they're getting worse." Emma glanced at the Captain as he nodded.

"Aye, these seas can brew up dangerous storms year-round. We should be thankful it's summer now. Winter storms can be larger and-" He winced as another wave smacked the ship. "-fiercer by far." He hesitated as he eyed Emma consideringly. "I put no stock in rumors the crew pass around, but if the two of you can lend a hand...."

Emma squinted at the next wave in the distance. "I can try." She took a breath and tried to find the state of mind Regina had showed her. One of the few successes they'd had was Emma's ability to sense the natural magic around her. Abruptly, something shifted, and the world seemed to come alive around her. She could sense the fierce, gusting wind above, the straining endurance of the timbers around them, and the cold depths of the sea beneath.

And back there, she peered aftwards through the spray, I can sense that wave. There was a feeling of tremendous force, closing in. Emma extended her arms with the palms forward, trying to let the magic flow down and out through her hands. So a barrier was a pretty simple construct, let's see... She closed her eyes and pictured a web of lines arcing between her hands, then spreading out to form a wall between the (continued...)