Whether your play is right or wrong, perhaps my obsession with criminals and addicts has something to do with this. And why the people I crush on in the media are like unbridled diva egomaniacs.

Yay! Oh, yay! Oh, I thought you'd grok the Ari love! Because Ari is made of pure, unbridled win! (Especially when he tries any of this shit with Mrs Ari, because that is HILARIOUS.)

::loves Ari::

You have him pitch-perfect, love. Which surprises me not at all, but is still a sauce of glee.

eta ....er, yeah - I meant "source of glee", obviously, but - yeah. Ahem. Saucy too.

Yeah, it took a while, but I just started watching Season 2 on disc yesterday, and there was a moment where the guys were talking about fidelity..."Everybody cheats," Ari says.

So Eric, who as we know loves to stick pins in mr. Gold's balloon, says "Everybody? How about your wife?" And, for just a moment, Ari isn't cool. Ari looks like a kid that lost his ice cream in the street, or like Eric smacked him across the face. For some reason that just killed me. Even though he followed it up with something chest-thumping and annoying. Ari, like, wants to be Hugh Hefner(God, why?) but he's really a geek who saw too many Steve McQueen movies and read too much Robert Evans. I think he still lives in fear of being found out. Piven's performance reminds me of Steve Carrell as Michael Scott in this way. ETA: Thanks. Although it convinces me I'd be a scary bloke.

You're making me want to start over again with season 1.

Wanna hug it out? Actually, if somebody really asked me that, my gut answer would be something like "No, thanks, I'm Scandinavian." But I guess that's why there are no great agents named Torgeson making deals outside the Lutheran church.

More--

Cuddy felt like a sucker when she got off the phone.She had thought that the loss of control she occasionally felt with House was a one-time aberration, but she had to agree that, to a certain extent, she'd been used. But she could make it worth it if she could get the women's health clinic she wanted...and she had to admit to checking out House's People magazines to see Ari's newest client, Vince Chase. She was unprepared for the one-word response from her lizard brain. "Yum!"

Not that she would make a fool of herself over a guy half her age; she really liked being single, when she could date and House didn't find out about it, but she did suddenly understand the impulse to make life easier for the up-and-coming actor. She was an adult; she wasn't dead, and something about the combination of Vince's dark hair and blue eyes perked up Cuddy's limbic system.

House, operating under no such constraints, but sensing some new enthusiasm behind Cuddy's appeal when she offered to get him out of clinic hours,decided to be difficult.

"I can't work on him...he's got a bad character. Look how he dresses."

"He dresses like you, if your t-shirts cost the same as a car payment and you hadn't had the same ones for twenty years."

"See?"

"Well, I want those low-cost mammograms. You're doing this, House."

"Say the word and I'll touch your breasts any time. You don't even have to pay me. Well, more than you already do..."

"Argh, men." Cuddy slammed into her office.She was still amused by the thought of the Ari Gold Women's Clinic...maybe she would name it after the wife, they'd both like that...

Cuddy's pique was short-lived as Cameron hesitantly told both senior doctors there was "Some sort of limo," outside.

"My metaphor works better long-term," House told Cuddy under his breath as they went out to see it. "More dramatic tension,"

"Shhh...he's a donor now."

"Cuddy, I'm begging you, don't have a baby with this guy. No matter how much your mother wants to retire in Boca."

"Not that kind of donor. Do this and you never have to go to Casino Night again, especially if you put a sock in the anti-Semitism."

"I'll stop. I don't need the tsuris."

"Fine,"

"Ari, this makes no sense....weren't you in LA when you called me?"

"Protecting my investment. My wife's letting me stay over too. Uh, I mean that my wife *appreciates* that I have important interests that keep me in the Big Apple over two days."

"But what about your carbon footprint?"

Almost without thinking, Gold spoke into his cell phone. "Lloyd, you Tokyo Rose, why don't you slap an extra zero on that check for Laurie David...sure, sign it. You write my name better than I do anyway. No, it's none of your fuckin' business where I am. You're not Charlie Chan for Christ's sake." He clicked End. "Idiot," he said, to nobody in particular.

"You always made me do what's right, Lise, you know that. Even though this is a huge fuckin' concession on my part when you haven't fulfilled your part of the bargain yet."

"Oh, really...Lise." House said, tone dripping with irony.

"There's the man of the hour. Listen, man, I really dug your mojo in that documentary I watched. Even though the production values were strictly amateur hour, let's be honest. If you ever want another bite at the apple, say the word and I will get you Spike Lee, no, he's too intense about injustice and shit, he's a pain in the ass. I will get you Barry Fucking Levinson...he'll like you, you went to Hopkins. You can arm-wrestle over crab cakes or whatever you people do. I don't get it, but I don't get why Vince needs to spend the summer eating stale craft services in Queens."

"I don't think so," House (continued...)

( continues...) said. "I hate working on camera."

"Wow, are you for real?"

"Oh, you're right," House said, and Cuddy's heart dropped as she saw the scruffy doctor smile widely and extend his cane-free hand. "Hi, I'm Greg, your indentured, board-certified treatment monkey. There's nothing I love more than knowing that those extra years of medical specialization can be used to help swatch some rich kid's coke-encrusted Hollywood mucus. Really."

end of part 3

If my fic were a House ep, this part would be the teaser before the credits.

"Man, I feel like fuckin' shit," Turtle said. "I'm sweating and my throat hurts so much I'd blow E. for a popsicle." Vince laughed weakly.

Eric said "Thanks so much for that mental picture, Turtle. And why am I always catching in these little scenarios of yours, anyways?"

"Cause you're just naturally a punk. But I like you anyway. You can't help it."

Vince said "Yeah, you know, bomb pops used to be my favorite, but I gotta tell ya, Turtle kinda ruined that."

Johnny Drama said "It's been a lot of years since I've been sick like this myself. It reminds me of my audition for "St. Elsewhere' cause I had to get all clammy and shit, like I had AIDS." Drama leaned back, and if he hadn't been sick in bed in the Holiday Inn, Vince thought he looked like their grandfather talking about what he did in the war. Really spinning some fuckin' tale or other. Enough so that even if there'd been no acting, he was always talking enough shit that Drama would still be Drama.

"Bullshit," Turtle said. "You never did,"

"Yes, I did," Drama insisted, getting worked-up enough that there were spots of color in his cheeks."I sprinkled Evian on myself to look like the cold sweats too. But I read somewhere later that Pellegrino works better for that. Something about the PH balance."

Vince said "Tough break, Drama," and closed his eyes, knowing from lifelong experience that you just had to let Johnny wind down.

"You're not kidding, Vince. Not that I had much chance once Fontana didn't like me. I did meet the guy later who got the part...he played that bisexual detective on that cop show that was always on that Friday night death slot...what was it?"

"You should have been nice to him," Turtle joked. "Maybe he would've let you be his boyfriend."

"Homicide," Eric supplied, wondering for the millionth time if Kristen was right, and he'd have had his own degree if his brain wasn't filled to the brim with Vince's shit. But maybe everybody would think they made the wrong choice sick in a hotel room full of guys.

"You know, Turtle," Drama said. "People underestimate you, but in this case, you provided me a real capsule sketch of the road-not-taken there."

"Aw, man," Turtle chortled. "You mean you'd *like* to be his boyfriend?"

"Hey, guys?" Eric said. "Vince is sicker than any of us and he's trying to sleep."

"Oh, he's good for a couple hours at least. I remember I took a girl back to my room after I worked on Charles In Charge...she was a real firebrand, but Vince didn't move a muscle."

"Maybe he wasn't the one worried he'd wake up." Eric pointed out.

Drama didn't say anything else, but Eric noticed his low tone when he told Turtle "No, it's not like I'm dying to play bisexual, but at that time, it would have been groundbreaking. And Kyle's a good guy, very deep."

If this joke is boring to anyone, seriously, say the word. I'll be less offended after writing part 5 than having you roll your eyes at part 10.

House/ Entourage part 5

"Look," Ari said. "I'm going to tell you something right now, that if I found out you quoted me on it,I'm gonna say you fucking lied, because in Hollywood? This particular situation is practically career suicide...."

"Go on," House said. If Gold's bluster was still irritating House, the diagnostician made no sign of it.

"Ok, I'll just come out with it.Vincent Chase is a nice guy, okay, he's got impossible taste in friends and managers(primo taste in agents,) and he chases pussy like it's an Olympic sport, but sometimes he's just so fucking wholesome I just can't believe it.And he has an amazing talent, which is another thing that if you tell him I said it, I will ram that cane up your ass sideways, and I do not give a*fuck* what you need it for or whether you can fight back. Are we clear on that?"

"Absolutely. Now, will medicating you for your obviously untreated Tourette's and what some other, nicer person might call your 'personality issues' be part of the services I'm rendering today? Because I could say a lot more, if I'm on the clock. Dr. Cuddy, I don't think we'll be needing to do that tox screen first."

"Wait a second," Cuddy replied. "Everybody lies, except Ari Gold...professional liar?"

"That's exactly it, Cuddy. If he were going to fake honesty, instead of being really honest, wouldn't it sound nicer than an offer to assault me in my 'special place'?

"Why? Yours doesn't." the dean of medicine pointed out.

"Oh, I can see I'm going to have to watch out for you," Ari said, eyes gleaming maniacally, arms outstretched. "Wanna hug it out?'

"Actually, Ari, I wouldn't suggest that." Cuddy said, smoothly. "In addition to being in an airplane for three hours today, you've spent a lot of time with the guys, who all have strep. You'll be incredibly lucky if you don't get it yourself, but like I said before you didn't need two trained specialists to tell you that."

"It might look like a better investment if you call it streptococcus Pyogenes,"House pointed out, mock-helpfully.

"Ugh," Cuddy sank into a chair. "Don't remind me. I said that to whats-his-name...Turtle? And he thought I wanted a date."

"Huh, huh," House imitated. "She said 'cock'. Mr Gold, I can see I've vastly underestimated you Hollywood types."

"Don't judge L.A. by Turtle," Ari said."He was just born ignorant."

"As opposed to someone like you who worked hard at it."

"Say the word," Ari told Cuddy. "And I will have him killed."

"Which one?" Cuddy was suddenly amused by someone else sharing her House-burden.

"As Jack Benny says, when asked "Your money or your life," I'm fuckin' thinking, okay, baby?"

"I don't think that's how that story goes, Ari."

"Look, with the box-office my people make, I get to decide how the stories go." And he pecked Cuddy chastely on her cheek.

"Ok," House said. "I'm going back to the room now...I have to wash my everything."

God, this is fun! It's SO utterly them that I actually forgot it was fanfic for a minute.

I, er, realise that probably makes no sense outside of my head, but honestly - I had this little "Oh, hey, no, erika made this up" moment, as I was being all disarmed by Drama being so utterly Drama-ish.

...yeah, that makes no sense now I write it down. But what I'm trying to say is: it's good! Write more!

Well, I sort of made it up...the part about St. Elsewhere having the groundbreaking AIDS-patient storyline working out well for Kyle Secor? True. But I bet Drama would lust for that part. If memory serves, he would have gotten to die tragically and everything. Drama would love that!! ETA: Maybe it's the wannabe in me, but I kind of love Drama...his optimism in the face of a system that doesn't give a fuck, and his continued quest to find a definitive reason why he was the flavor of some months back, kind of tug at my heartstrings somehow. And, you know, a lot of shows would have made Drama's acting comically bad, enough so we could all tell and he could be the butt of a *cheap* joke, like Al Bundy and his four touchdowns in a single game or something. But Drama isn't a bad actor...the business just kind of moved on without him or something, and industry memories are short and not always kind.